Opening the Forgotten Door

When I have gone and continue to go through phases where I am discovering and looking at some of my wounded beliefs, I do not feel particularly great. The wound is like a child pounding on the door, trying to get in, trying to get my attention, and I have spent so much of my life not wanting to open the door that I have stopped hearing the pounding. Then when I am ready to address the neglected child, I feel awful in a dozen ways. I don't really want to open the door for fear of what is behind it. Then when I do open the door, I see myself in this little person who just wants to have my attention and love. I worry that perhaps I've waited too long to answer, or that the neglect has taken its toll and that the child is too much for me to handle, in that, the wounds are too deep.

But I have learned after going through this process over and over that although it feels yucky and like walking through mud, it not only gets easier and less muddy, it starts to feel better after a while. Then I come out of the process with a renewed sense of wellness and strength and peace. I realized that the process was worth it. I've also realized that if I am facing this wound, I can handle it. I am ready and able. If I don't feel that I am up to it, that's OK, too. There will be plenty of opportunities in this lifetime or the next to address it again.

Lastly, going through the process puts me in the the realm of warriors. If I can visualize myself as a warrior of sorts, that is, someone who is courageous and open enough to face the unknown and handle what comes, then I feel supported and safe enough to open that door and just observe what is there. I don't have to do anything, just look at it for what it is. A small scared child looking for its mother for comfort. And I know that I can do that.

So, if you've been putting off looking at some beliefs that are based on a wound ("I am not enough", "I don't deserve good things", "I am not lovable" are some examples), here are some questions to consider. What do you think is stopping you in just looking at these beliefs? Do you think you need to take action in some way once you discover them? What do you think would happen if you just opened the door and observed what was there? If you anticipate that you would need help and support, can you imagine what that would look like? (mentor, coach, therapist, good friend...) Let me know what comes up for you

Letting Go Allows For More

I recently had a powerful experience in letting go of a person that was not quite right for me. I was looking for a person or group to receive and give support for a specific project that we would be doing each on our own. This person would be a sounding board, encourager, challenger, prodder and then we'd switch roles and I would be the same for him/her.

So, I sent out my request and received an email back fairly quickly. I eagerly called him back and almost immediately got a "hit" inside that this was not the right person. There was a part of me, the habitual part, that wanted to keep trying to make it work. Even to the extent of making this relationship another project. Maybe if I get to know this person more, I'll discover something really neat that will make it all worth while. Maybe he just needs more time for me to get to know him. Now, there was nothing wrong with this person, but he was not the right person for me to work with. I held on to that notion of me fixing him to suit me for a while and at the same time, the "hit" kept coming. "Do not settle." "Let him go." "Don't worry about finding someone else."

A tug-o-war was ensuing inside me. I was afraid to let go because I feared I would hurt his feelings, that I wouldn't find anyone else, and he possessed some expertise that I was looking for a partner. I was trying to convince myself that perhaps it was a sign that this person was the right one despite my feelings screaming "this doesn't feel good!"

So, I dropped it all. I decided to take the risk of not holding on and follow my feelings. I had to come back to the basics of following my feelings. If it doesn't feel good and I'm not happy, I'm not going forward. I ended up writing an email to him and despite my ego telling me he'd be hurt deeply, he seemed pretty OK. I was not settling. I'll wait.

And literally, the moment after I sent that email, another popped into my inbox. It was another person answering my request. I called her immediately and we chatted. It felt good. It felt right. And we started the support group for the project.

So, here's an experiment to try: Are you holding on to anything or anyone for any reason besides that it feels right and good to you? Why are you holding on? What are your fears/concerns of letting go? If you thought it was possible to receive a new and perhaps better fitting thing or person into your life (including yourself), would you consider letting go? Remember that letting go is a great way to free you up to see more possibilities than you could even imagine...

Thanksgiving Reflections

I feel that I mark time by the holidays, particularly Thanksgiving. I think back to last year's Thanksgiving and see where I have come from. I ponder what next year's Thanksgiving will be like. Invariably, it surprises me. The twists and turns of life allow me to land in different places from one year to the next without any obviously pattern that I can see. However, I know the Universe has a larger view. One that makes perfect sense. One that makes a beautiful piece of music out of what sometimes sounds like a bunch random melodies.

Last year I was embarking upon a new branch of my business in hopes that would catapult me into entrpreneurial greatness. I was focused like a laser beam on my marketing campaign. My kids were fine, as far as I thought. My marriage was moving right along, although I was going to save my family with my business and become fabulously weathly, confident, admired, a leader, a supermom. Then after Thanksgiving, it all fell apart and I walked and sometimes crawled through my valley of darkness, finally emerging with a remembering about who I really am. Thank God for crisis.

Fast forward to this Thanksgiving. I continue to remember who I really am and then I forget and then remember again. I am balancing my family life and a new business life much better. I have childcare! I am focusing on what I have, and what I do, and most importantly, who I am, RIGHT NOW. I like what I see. I feel closer to my friends and see more love, compassion, and light from them than I ever have.

I feel like I get Thanksgiving more than I have before. That is a very exciting twist for me. If you are at a loss right now, try this. What is going on right now that you feel thanks for? Are you breathing? Do you have water? A bed? Food? Go back to the basics if you need. It is all around you, if you allow yourself to see it. Use what you have now as a springboard to new events, people, things that you want. But, you must be willing to see what you have now to get there.

Happy Thanksgiving and I thank you for being here.

Greatness? Yeah, Baby!

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Marianne Williamson

I saw this quote in my friend Kim Collins' blog: www.doulamomma.blogspot.com this morning. I've seen it a number of times since I first heard it in my late 20's. I remember it shocked me and I could feel the welling of tears in my eyes when I let it sink in. I've got power beyond measure? That's what I'm afraid of? My purpose is to express that power and let my own light shine and perhaps inspire others to do the same?

Looking back, it is very clear to me that, in fact, I was terrified to express my power and yet was trying in earnest to figure out who I was and what I was supposed to be doing here. I just didn't want to cause anyone else any discomfort in that process. I didn't want to rock the boat. "Maybe I'll just be quietly great over in this corner where noone will notice and feel threatened" I would think. It took me more than 15 years to come to the conclusion that part of being great and expressing my power was letting go of the fear of threatening others.

Now, as I create and build upon my business of sharing tools and supporting other women in the process of becoming awake and more conscious in their day-to-day lives, this quote rings true to me. Yes, that is the fear. I hear it and see it over and over again. I experienced and continue to experience it for myself. But, one of the biggest payoffs of letting your power through is watching other's get inspired to do the same. It is so worth facing the fear and realizing that the fear is the illusion.

Give it a try. What's stopping you from being great and in your power? What are you afraid of? Are you violating a rule in your family? Is this a taboo for you to do things differently than generations of other women? What do you think would happen if you started to consider that your life could be great? Go through the "what ifs" until you have exhausted them. Where do they lead? Then, try a different set of "what ifs"- that is, "what if I decided to act with more power and my kids think it's great?" and then "What if I get offered this great opportunity and I take it?" etc. Decide what scenarios suit you best and then focus on them. If the others start happening, consider that you may be able to handle it and it will lead to better things. Let me know how it goes! Leave a comment...

Are You Kidding Me?

I've been searching for a NJ driver's manual in Spanish this past week. There are manuals you can access online, but none in Spanish. I thought that before I make the trek to a local office, I'd call the NJ Motor Vehicle Commission (MVC) and ask. When I asked for this manual, I was put on hold for about 5 minutes and then the woman said that there are none. They ran out a couple of months ago, it's being revised, and she has no idea when they are coming out.

"Are you kidding me?" I thought. "So, if someone is Spanish-dominant and wants to get their driver's license, they don't have a manual to study for the test?" I asked. "Yes." she replied "Well, we ran out of the English, as well, and it took a while for that to come out again." I asked for her supervisor, and supervisor's supervisor etc. and guess where they were? Of course, in a meeting. The next people up are the state legislators for my county (Essex). I went to their site and sent an email. I felt mildly better. I watched my feelings as this was happening. I was frustrated and angry that my state had allowed itself to not meet my needs and the needs of others who live here and are Spanish-speaking. In Essex county, it is significant group.

Then I calmed down. OK. Getting angry at this woman was not helpful for anyone. What to do? I did have a solution. I knew someone who had the manual- I'll just copy it. But, what about other people who did not have that solution? My feelings were getting hot again. This is injustice! They can't even get access to a Spanish manual online. My righteousness was on the loose! My ego was engaged.

I took a few deep breaths and let it go. I sent my email to ask for help. I don't know what to do next, but it will come to me IF I remain grounded and calm. I started to feel grateful that the reason I even needed this manual was because I have an au pair who is invaluable to our family. I was grateful that I had the skills to figure out who to write to and ask for help. I was grateful that we still have time before she has to change her license and has a friend with the manual. I was grateful that this was the biggest problem I've had this week and I was able to come up with a solution quickly. I was in a good place. A place where I can receive the information I need to make the next step. A place where I can observe my feelings and see which are serving me and which are depleting me of power.

The anger was a signal that things were not of my liking and I needed a change. Then when I observed it and was able to get some perspective, I could act from a place of power. I even got an idea that worked. I have faith that coming back to this place again and again will continue to feed me and inspire me to take the action that serves me and everyone else in the best way possible.

Give it a try. The next time you have a strong reaction to a situation, observe it and feel it completely. Don't try to change it, but remember that it is not who you are. It is a feeling you are having. If you are feeling overwhelmed by it, take a deep breath and let it out until you feel a little more grounded. What is this feeling telling you? It is there to give you information. You do not have to take action based on it. Is it telling you about what you want or what you don't want? If the later, see if you can focus on what you do want. How does that feel? Can you feel any gratitude about the situation? Is there an action you need to take now that will help? If so, do it. If in doubt, wait a little and see what happens. Send a comment and let us know how it goes..

Update: Two hours later I got a call from the state legislator's office. They are getting a couple of Spanish manuals delivered to their office and an assistant is dropping off at my house within a week or so. I think I have more gratitude to express!
Update#2: Got an email a few hours later from a friend who read the blog. She is very conversant with NJ MVC and sent me a link to download the driver's manual in Spanish that I spent hours looking for (and workers told me did not exist). I was floored, thanked her, and thanked the Universe for its speedy service!

Are You Worth It?

I've had a number of discussions recently about worth and how we do things in order to feel that we are "earning our keep". I've made some progress on this one, but it still trips me up from time to time. I have done things to prove to myself and others that I am worthy. I have done things out of fear of losing something important and not so important. I have done things for many, many reasons that were not from the heart.

But when I allow myself to get grounded and remember who I really am, I can see all the doing from those less powerful places as unnecessary and often self-defeating. When I remember who I really am, my GodSelf, I remember that I need nothing from the outside. I create from an inspired, loving place. It's not from a place of need for money or fame or accolades. It is not a place of guilt or obligation. It's a place of love and power and living in abundance. It is a reflection of my true worth. It can never come close to my unlimited value, but can reflect that I am in need of nothing because I already possess all that I need.

I was teaching my course this week and we were discussing "jumping off the cliff". That is, taking action on a dream. I said "You have nothing to lose. You have nothing to prove. You have nothing to earn. Your purpose is to experience the joy and create from that place."

Now, many have argued that they have a lot of lose from following a dream. Their income, their houses, and their families could fall into jeopardy. I am not saying that you should abandon your family and join the circus if you think you want to be a clown. But, you could look into clown school while keeping an income going and seeing what it holds for you. Why is following a dream mutually exclusive with having family and prosperity?

I would also answer that not following their dream could result in losing important people and things. It is an illusion to think that life is not constantly in motion. Change happens all the time. You can't keep things the same because they never are. However, if you really create from the place of pure joy and love and abundance, the result will always be joyful, loving, and abundant. There will be times of challenge and doubt. That's part of the ride of life. The trick is how you perceive and approach these times.

If you live your life from a fearful place, you are more likely to lose the things you afraid to lose. If you live your life from a joyful place, you are more likely to create more joy in your life. You will be able to deal with any loss and more and more life will be flowing great things to you. You also have to approach all of life with this joy. That means feeling joy in your present job, in your present home, and with your present spouse. It doesn't mean you need to stay where you are, but to see the best in it in order to attract and create more of the best. And it will be better and better as you allow these feelings to grow in you.

For instance, if your marriage is not going as well as you'd like, decide what is going well in it and focus on that- even if you don't think the marriage is going to make it. Be truthful and kind and see what can be resolved. Ask for what you want and encourage your mate to do the same. If you are being abused, get out and get help and see this as a wake-up call for both you and your mate about how to love yourselves. Focus on how you do love yourself and create from that place.

If your job is not fulfilling, see what you do love or like about it. Why do you love these activities so much? What feeling states are you wanting in your career? See if you can feel those right now. Focus on that part while being truthful about what you don't feel good about. Can you stop doing the parts you don't like? Can you talk to your boss about how things are going for you and negotiate for more tasks that include your strengths and joys? If you can work on being joyful in your job then you are much more likely not only to attract more joy from your present position, but also attract positions that contain more joyful activities and people.

Are you getting the idea here? Feel the feelings you want right now. Those feelings that reflect your worthiness. Then create from that place. The world is waiting for you to remember your true worth and follow your dream.

Who's Responsible Here?

As mothers we are programmed to be responsible. We have children. We have a household. Many times we have work "outside the home"- a business, job, career. We have our extended families. Community work. The list could go on and on. And even with all that, we often take on more, just because perhaps we still have a minute or two on the schedule.

Mothers are not alone in their responsibilities, but there seems to be a different "flavor" to mother's responsibilities. It is the flavor that if anyone of them is not going exactly the way it "should", that we are somehow not good mothers. And what a set-up that is!

I had two different conversations this week about this exact topic and I feel that I received a great deal of illumination about how we, as mothers, can view all that we take on. If you can just consider looking at your life through this different lens, if may give you great relief. And the "lens" is this: You are not responsible for anyone's life experience but your own. You have children, but you are not responsible for how they feel. You are there to be their guide. Your guidance is in helping them understand their own "guidance system"- their feelings. And one of the biggest ways of guiding them is to pay attention to your own feelings.

I have been know to fix things and people. I can act as a "fixer". Not only is this an impossible task, but it really doesn't help in the long term. It gives me some temporary relief, but then there is always the new thing to fix. It is draining and not serving me. The fixing is the need to be responsible for someone else life. The need to feel needed and get validation for that.

Let's clarify: I think that if your toddler is about to run into traffic that you should get her out asap. This is not a excuse for negligence or abuse. But, it is the idea that you can't have control, nor should you have control, over another. It is the idea that life unfolds and you focus on how you are feeling about that unfolding. You can assist your children with dealing with life by asking them questions about their feelings "How did that feel when you said that?" "What feelings came over you before when you are shouting?" Help them connect with their own inner guidance and wisdom. When they ask for help, help them. But, fixing stuff just sends the message that they should ignore their guidance. That it means little to them. Feeling responsible for how they feel and how they are doing only takes power away from their ability to tease that out for themselves.

You don't have to be the "fixer". How does that feel to you? Is it a relief or does it feel threatening? Does it lift the burden or chip away at your identity? Knowing that you don't have to fix things can create more options for you to experience life. There is a freedom to knowing that you just need to observe the unfolding and act from a place of love instead of control and fear. But don't take my word for it. Give it a try.

This week start observing ways in which you try to control what is going on in your life and the lives of others. Do you feel responsible for the results? Do you feel unsatisfied with how things are unfolding? Is there a resistance to what is going on or are you allowing the unfolding? Do you feel that you could handle it if things go in unexpected ways? Could you consider that you are not responsible for everything everyone else is feeling?

Good luck and let us know what happens!

I am a Human Being, not a Human Doing...

Most of us are great "doers".  We work hard, do errands, run around with our kids, and then often sit down and think "what should I do now?"  The "doing" mentality is part and parcel of our society.  "Just do it", "What do you do?", and "I'm doing great!" are common questions and phrases in our lives.  We are programmed to think that by doing, we are earning our keep, keeping up with the Jones, and retaining our worth.

What happened to "being"?  We are here to be, not to do.  I know that may sound strange or counterintuitive, or dangerous, but it is true.  At least to me it is.  If I get caught up in the doing of life and then attach a meaning to it, I get in a heap of trouble.  I can do myself right into a hole.  And then, I go back to the basics.  I just "be" more.  I experience life around me.  I slow down a little.  I perhaps meditate, connect with my inner being.  

Of course, in the beginning, there is some resistance.  There are stories that we tell ourselves about the need to do.  "This must be done!" "I don't have time to sit, I have to get this list of stuff done today!" You know the rest.  But, with time, the non-doing gets a little easier and feels a little more comfortable.  And before you know it, you realize that you are not doing life, you are life.  And that's all you need...really.

But, don't take my word for it.  Try it out.  Take a little time to just be.  Resist the temptation to push away the being for the doing.  Even if it is just for a few moments.  Observe the sounds and smells around you.  Observe your thoughts and feelings.  And let us know what happened when you just are.

Our World of Wounds

I've been compulsively scanning the internet about our most recent economic mess. I've been receiving political emails highlighting the conspiracies and lies from one party and the other. Accusations flying about. Personal insults. Sorta like high school gossip, but with much larger consequences.

For me the larger issue was not that this was happening, for it has been happening for quite a while, but why was I drawn to it? It attracted and repulsed me at the same time. I felt enraged and vindicated. I took it personally. Not a helpful strategy for me.

The answer to the above question lies in the last few weeks when I realized that I was hitting on another wound of mine. The wound is my fear of incompetency and how I link it to my worth. In other words, if I feel incompetent I feel unworthy. And as I started to observe my feelings of incompetency all around me, I realized that I had a strong feeling that I was not worthy. I was not enough.

My coach had told me, as I was discovering this for myself, that we have two reactions to wounds that have not healed. We either confirm them or compensate for them. In other words, we sit with our wound and stew in it, as if to say "Here I go again, I'm incompetent. I can't do this. I'm a loser. I knew this would happen! I'll never get it together." Or, to compensate and avoid that dialogue, we go nuts doing things that make us feel better. Then we say, "I'm doing this, this, and this. I am in control. No one could call me incompetent! And, if they did, I'd show them all the stuff I did!"

I tend to compensate. I do, and do, and do some more in the face of that wound. And so, here I am, observing my "doing". As my body's way of protecting me from my ego, I developed a nasty cold and was bed ridden. Perfect for the person who is resisting doing. I've watched myself wanting to do and then deciding not to do. It was difficult, but I lived through it. Then I started to actually enjoy not doing for a while.

Currently, I'm in the tricky area of "not doing", but really doing. This is when I start to read all the online articles about this election and the economic crisis. I am looking at the competence of others and how it relates to me. It is my sneaky egoic way of seeing if I am competent. Who do I trust to run the country? Who is competent to do that? How do I decide that?

This process of observing my wound in action, taking steps to choose differently, and ultimately healing at least part of my wound is also a way for me to find my own truth. It is not based on anyone else's truth. It is not measured by anyone else's scale of what is right or wrong, good or bad. It is about accepting all of me. Accepting what I know and don't know, when I'm right and when I'm wrong. Being at peace with my imperfections. Being whole.

So, here's an experiment, if you are up for it: Think of how you compensate for parts of yourself that you feel not so good about. Then think of how you confirm those parts that you consider less than stellar. What are you saying to yourself? How do you act? How do you feel? (Are you having trouble coming up with parts you are not fond of? Think of someone who drives you crazy. What qualities do they have? Write them down and then make a list of times when you have had the same qualities. Is it getting clearer?)

Now, be kind with yourself and just become aware of these parts in your day-to-day lives. Can you consider other ways of looking at these parts? Can you consider other ways of acting even when you feel the discomfort with having these parts you do not like?

Make a comment and let me know what happens.

Taking Care..

I became uncomfortably confronted a few months back with the realization that I was not taking very good care of myself. I was taking care of my children, and occasionally, my husband, but did little for myself. My story now is pretty different. I pay attention to what I eat, my exercise, sleep etc. Then the subject came up again and I saw the gap between the story I thought I had and the story that I was really telling myself.

I think this is fairly typical for women, in general, and mothers, in particular. We faithfully take care of everyone else , but cheat ourselves over and over. So, it was not surprising that I fell into old habits and stories. The story of not taking care for me goes something like this: "I don't need to meditate right now, I'll have that cup of tea and then right onto the computer to check email and then I'll stretch out." Then 2 hours goes by. "Well, the kids need a snack, so I'll do that, and then I'll take a quick shower and have a snack bar, then I'll take a brisk walk for exercise." Then another 2-3 hours goes by. "Well, I need to check my email again. I'll just walk to the bus stop- that will be my exercise. Hmm...haven't eaten much today. I'll take another snack for the walk." And the day continues. Exercise is not really happening, meditation is not happening, eating is barely happening. What is happening?

The story in my head that supported my self-care was slowly chipped away by my rational mind- my ego. My ego wants me to keep running, doing, and achieving. It tells me that my worth is wrapped up in my doings. It tells me that if I'm not "producing", then I don't have a lot to offer. Stop me if this sounds familiar.

Today, I took a nap. It felt good and after stray thoughts of guilt that I was able to drop, I realized that the nap was a sign that I need to slow down again. Slow down to go inward and connect with my true Self. The Self who knows that I don't have to prove my worth. I am worthy by being in this world. The Self who knows that action taken from a place of lack or feeling not enough, is not an action that serves anyone, least of all, me. I am only to act from a place of love, peace, abundance. And to come from that place, I need to take care of myself. Take care physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, personally.

So, I'm slowing down. And posting a blog. OK, now I'm slowing down. But, don't take my word for it that this is important. Try it yourself and let me know what happens. Taking care could take many forms. Taking your time in the shower, sitting down to eat and really enjoying your food, getting a hair cut or pedicure, taking a walk in the woods, meditating, listening to some calming music, saying "No" to more activities. See what comes to mind that would help you feel taken care of.

After you give this a try for an hour, day, week, post a comment. Perhaps you'll inspire someone to change their story.

Feeding Each Other

When I was in my early twenties, I worked with refugees in Texas. Most came from Ethiopia and so I learn a bit about their rich culture. One custom is for people to share a common plate of food and to feed each other. I think it most likely that women feed men, but I experienced both.

There is also an old story about heaven and hell that I was reminded of recently in Kate Nowak's Prosperity Experiment . In each place there is a glorious banquet of food and each person has a spoon with a very long handle. In hell, each person is trying to feed him/herself and it is impossible because the neck of the utensil is too long. They are suffering because they are starving while longing for the food that is so close to them. In heaven, however, each person is fed to their satisfaction. They are enjoying the banquet. That is because they are using their spoons to feed each other.

Both custom and parable serve as a reminder to us. That to have a rich and abundant life, we must give and receive. To feed and be fed. I would argue that when you are giving from your heart, you are always receiving. When you are truly open to receive, you are giving so much to the giver. There is a cycle of giving and receiving to allow the abundance to flow.

The mistake that I have made so many times in my life, and am remembering to more and more to change, is that giving from any other place than my heart not only hurts myself, but does the receiver the least good as well. And when I am not allowing myself to receive fully, the result is equally as ineffective.

So many times I have dismissed or deflected compliments, talked over thank yous, made self-deprecating jokes about talents or gifts observed by others. I have done things for free- not because I wanted to in my heart, but because I thought what I offered had no value or out of guilt or obligation. I was pushing away the spoon that was there to feed me. I was rejecting the food that was necessary for me to have the energy and desire to feed others.

I did this out of a belief that I was not good enough for such treatment and if I took the goodies, I would be found out or seen as arrogant. I was erring on the side of caution, I rationalized. As a result, I not only confirmed my belief that I have little to offer the world, but I made others feel uncomfortable around me. It doesn't feel good when your gift is not accepted. To the world I was sending messages. One message was that I felt uncomfortable with the gift, so stop giving it to me. The other message was that I don't need this.

Now, there is another side to this. It was the side that craved the gifts as signs of worth. If they did not come, it was like a thorn in my side. Did people not like what I offered? Did they not like me? I became attached to the praise, the offers, the money and so on. Either way, it was not from my heart, it was from a wound. What a bind!!

Then one day, I decided to do something different. I decided to make note of when I wanted to dismiss a gift and instead, accept it with my heart. It took courage. I felt like I was risking something. I also decided to give only when it felt good to do so. And then I decided that if I felt grateful for something- a product, service, a friendship- I was going to thank the giver. I wrote letters, emails, called folks. The response was overwhelming.

Most people are not thanked for doing their job. I sincerely lavished them with well-deserved praise. It felt so good. I felt filled up. I started to use my spoon to feed my hungry neighbors and others naturally picked their spoons up to do the same.

The banquet is delicious! I think I'm write a letter to the caterer...

It All Comes Down to the Chocolate

My kingdom for some cacao nibs! I had been searching through my local healthfood store and grocery for cacao nibs- a healthy form of chocolate that is super high in magnesium and low in caffeine. Yes, like in Woody Allen's Sleeper, junk food is actually healthy. At least in cacao nib form. I was coming up with nothing and put the desire aside for more "important" ones...

Then I got a series of emails about a the latest, greatest technology for Law of Attraction (LOA) addicts. That is, those of us who desire to manifest more consciously, so that we attract what we want, not what we do not want in our lives. I was at first skeptical, then wowed by the simple yet powerful way a guy made videos you watch online about what you want in your life. They are called "Mindmovies". I think this is going to be the biggest thing since "The Secret". They give you 6 premade videos and then you can send away for a kit to make your own. Pretty cool! I was ready to order when....

This voice in my head began. It was a familiar voice saying "Do you really need this to attract what you want in your life?" "You've read all the books, listened to all the CDs...how is this going to help you...really?" I could rationalize that this was the one to put me over the top, the detail I was missing, you know the rest. But, something was stopping me. It wasn't money. It wasn't doubt in the product- I'm sure it is everything they say. It was that I knew that I have a tendency to believe that I don't have the answers inside. That I need to listen to someone else to get the answers. In the past, if I had a dilemma, I would survey my friends for answers. I would call them one by one and tell them the dilemma over and over and then see what came up. It was like I had 20 magic 8 balls with 20 different answers. Then I'd pick the one I liked best. I've stopped this practice. I've come pretty far...but that kit to make a movie looked good. Maybe this was the tool that would help LOA work for me, the way I wanted.

The voice was strong enough (or I was listening enough this time) to recognize that I could not get sucked into that belief again. The belief that I needed to look outside myself for answers. I took a couple of breaths and then asked myself what would happen if I passed this one out. Nothing terrible. I could always decide to buy the kit later (even if it was half off only for now). I was doing fine without it. I was keeping my thoughts on the positive side, I was in the flow most of the time, I was attracting small but significant stuff to me daily- if I noticed it. I took my finger off the paypal button and relaxed..

Of course I got about 6 follow-up emails encouraging me to not pass on this special offer. By that time I had made the decision and was not wavering. It felt good. Then this morning I got another email from the same company with a video about nutrition and health. I watched it primarily to pass it on to friends in that biz. In the middle of the video I saw a bag of, you guessed it, cacao nibs flash by! It caught my eye and the next thing I know I'm at their website ordering a bag. Yippee! I found cacao nibs!

So, what does this all mean? My simplest answer for myself is this: Sometimes when you decide to believe something new, you get what you've been looking for from the beginning. I know it sounds ridiculous to conclude that perhaps what I was really looking for was cacao nibs. But, look at the conclusion. Perhaps all those emails came to me to force me to face (allow me to choose to face) my "addiction to the outside" and choose something different. When I did choose something different, the road opened up. The road to new possibilities for myself and within myself. And yes, the road to chocolate that is healthy. It all comes down to the chocolate.

Are We Always in Denial?

I recently read "Money, and the Law of Attraction" by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  It discusses the obvious money and Law of Attraction, but one of the big messages of the book is to look for what you want.  When I read that passage "always look for what you want", I thought that it seemed to be saying "Be in denial of reality".  My ego often plays with me while I'm reading something that might help me let go of the egoic mind...

I then realized that we are always in denial of reality in some way.  We are either looking for what we want OR we are looking for what we don't want.  For the vast majority, the later is more common than the former.  For instance, if I want more money in my life, I could look for ways that money in abundant in my life, or ways that it is scarce.  I could feel great about receiving money or getting something for free or getting more than I expected and focus on that OR I could completely dismiss it.  Then focus on how I should have received more money, that the free item was cheap anyway, and that getting more was fluke.  

What is reality anyway?  We think we have an objective hold on reality, but it is , after all, how we perceive it.  Reality, like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder.   It is based in our beliefs, our chronic thoughts and feelings.  Our programming determines what we perceive and what we perceive is our reality.  Knowing those rules of the game,  I could hold all perceptions as suspect.  All truths as nothing more than repeated thoughts.  All realities as nonsense.  

That's all well and good, but I want even more. I want to focus on the "good" and the "fun"and the "play".  It's much more appealing to me than the horrid slog ahead.  So, if I have to  be in denial, make it one that I can enjoy.  

First Day of School!! First Day of School...

In one of the first scenes of Finding Nemo,  little Nemo swims around his father Marlin announcing the first day of school.  Marlin, an extremely cautious and protective father, is not thrilled to let his remaining child (the rest, along with his wife, were killed by a barracuda in the first scene) be separated from him and face the perils of school life.  Well, I felt a little like Marlin today. 

My daughter was super excited to start 1st grade and I was excited for her.  Then as I thought about my baby going on a bus by herself and arriving to her school amongst a mob of children trying to find her way to a classroom, I started to get a little nervous.  Then I realized that she'd be gone from 8:30 until 3:30 all week.  I'm used to her being around-even if I'm shooing her away so I can get some work done.  I felt sad.  I was able to stay "up" while she was with me, but watching her sit on the bus was like watching Nemo venture off the the dreaded "drop-off".  

In this moment of feeling sad and a little nervous I came up with an epiphany.  As much as I crave time alone and sometimes feel as if I'm juggling children and my work and myself in a day, I really love being with my kids.  This was an important discovery for me since there were times when I needed to be separate so much that I wondered if I did not love being with them.   And then the guilt would emerge- my ego playing with this little tidbit of information. How could I not love being them?  I'm a mother- that is a requirement, right?  What kind of mother would I be if I did not love being them?  You get the picture.  

I was voicing all this to my mentor who is always helpful during these times.  He pointed out that when I feel the "shoulds" of being with my kids- I should love being with them, I should spend more time with them, I shouldn't ask them to do something else when I'm working because that is not being a good mother etc-then I will never get it right.  It will never be enough and I'll always be resentful.  But, the discovery that I am sad to see my daughter out of the house for 7 hours a day and that I'm going to miss her is real.  That I do love to be with my kids is about what I want and how I feel, not about "shoulds" or societal beliefs.  It is from my heart.  

In other words, I want to listen and respect it.  It is true to me.  The other stuff, the "shoulds", are not helpful and will lead to a life that will never feel whole.  

I picked up my daughter this afternoon and we walked home together.  It was good to see her and she was excited about her first day.  I wanted to be with her.  It felt really good.  In my view, I was mothering in the best way I can.

Passing It On...

Yesterday was an extraordinarily flowing day.  I was fairly well rested and despite our babysitter have a nasty sinus infection and needing a day in bed, I was able to do some work and spend time with the kids.   This was a good lesson for me as well because I had started to think that I could do nothing without her!   

I took my youngest daughter to her usual weekly therapy appointment in a neighboring town.  The session went really well and I was blown away by her progress- this usually is accompanied by some tears of joy.  The therapist and I were all revved up with excitement about her recent accomplishments.  

My daughter and I departed with her usual request for a treat and even though she had a treat before, I was so happy about her success that I waived the "one treat per meal" rule and off we went.  In the back of mind was the notion of our parking situation.  A little far off from where we were venturing and with meter probably expired.  I didn't really care.  

As we rounded the corner, I saw a woman in the distance at our car.  She was standing and writing..not a good sign.  How should I approach her?  I had heard that meter readers can be pretty rigid about things like this.  No mercy.  

I decided that since everything went so smoothly today that I wasn't really concerned about the outcome, but I'd get there quickly and ask "is it too late?"  She looked at me and my daughter who was decked out in her daily uniform of 3 dresses, a fancy vest, a belt and crown, and said "Oh, never mind..."  She started walking away.  I was so thankful that  I asked if she wanted a spare "munchkin".  "No, but thanks for the offer." 

I was a little shocked...I had never heard of a parking ticket being nixed by just showing up.  I was pondering this as I drove out of the town.   Was is possible that my energy was so high from all the flowing of my day that she just changed her mind?  Was it that my kid looked too cute for her to have a conflict with me over a ticket?  Is she like that with every late parker?

She wouldn't take a munchkin, so maybe I need to pass this kindness along.  Pass on the kindness of a second chance or a needed break.  I started to look around my family and see where I could give someone a break.  There were lots of opportunities.  Some I took and others, not so. The event continues to give to me in that when ever I start a little negativity, I  think about a parking ticket that I didn't get because someone decided to give me another chance.

  

So, then I thought that I'd throw out the kindness into cyberspace and ask that you pass this kindness on as well.  Give someone a break, a second chance, don't take it personally or too seriously.  Keep the kindness flowing...or have a munchkin.

Managing Fear

Fear can be managed.  Look at firefighters, for instance.  Despite human nature- fear of fire and being burned, firefighters run into burning buildings, stay there, look for life and come out.  They are able to stay calm enough to issue commands and reassure others.  They get the job done.  They have learned to manage the fear and even turn it into anticipation..

I am not suggesting that next time you are afraid you need to run into a burning building.  That would be..not wise.  I am suggesting that a very effective way to manage your fear-based beliefs is to upgrade them (or downgrade them, depending on your take) a little at a time so that eventually they are no longer fears or at least not fears that have an influence on you.  

Here's a system that I just learned from a friend.  Observe a fear as it naturally comes up (usually that takes about 20 seconds or so...). Stop and look at it instead of trying to deny it or shoo it away.  As if it is a interesting creature, ask yourself "Where is this fear coming from? What is at its root?"  For instance, the fear could be that you won't be able to make enough money with your career.  The root of that could be that you would be seen as a failure, you would be a disappointment to your family, you would be revealed as a fake- incompetent, powerless etc.   

Now, you are at the meat of the fear- this is a good thing because now, you can question the validity of these beliefs.  So, you can't make enough  money- would you really be seen as a failure (aka see yourself as a failure)?  Only, if you choose to be.  Most of the successful people (financially) in the world have stories where they are broke.  So, you could see your potential financial losses as a good sign that you are on the track to success, IF you keep learning and growing.  

Then, as you start to take apart these fears and beliefs, you can start to revise them just a little. You don't necessarily want to change them to "I'm going to be a millionaire in the next month", because you know that is too big a leap and you don't believe it yet and so you'll fall right back to the original fear.  The little revision could be "If I'm not able to make enough money with my career, I know there are other sources of income that could come to me if I am open to them.  I could also make changes in my lifestyle until I start bringing in more income.  I will be able to adjust as needed."  Now, this may be a leap.  If so, revise a little more until you think you could believe in this statement.

Write the statement down and put in a place you can see or in your pocket so you can be reminded- especially in times when this fear pops up.  Then, instead of falling back to step 1 fear- the scary monster in the closet- you have step 2 fear- the not-as-scary monster that perhaps you could beat up if you needed to.  After a time, this new fear or less scary belief, which you can write down evidence for, will become comfortable.  Soon, you will be ready to let go of that fear for an even softer, higher energy thought that you  make into a belief.  Repeat process.

Eventually, these beliefs are not fear-based at all.  In fact, they are powerful, love-based beliefs.  Isn't that cool?  But, don't take my word for it.. give it a try.

Getting Distracted by What Goes "Wrong"

Today someone emailed me requesting that she be taken off my e-list.  I had started a daily messages service to my database. Just  messages that I had written to myself, stuff I needed to remember to stay connected to Source.  I thought it  may be helpful to others as well.   Apparently, for this woman, it was not the case.  Her email was not nasty or hurtful and yet I let it haunt me for the morning.  "Maybe this is not a good idea.  Maybe other people are also annoyed to get a daily message that they never requested.  Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I am not helping anyone...." the thoughts go on.  This  kind of thinking may sound familiar to you.

The problem was not the email or the person who wrote it.  It was my thinking and feeling about it.  I made the email a judgment of me and my work.  The judgment came from me.  Let me write that again, so that we can fully get that.  The judgment came from me.  

I had spun a whole tale around this email about a judgment I had been holding onto about myself.  Now, this is good because it allowed me to see the judgment for what it was.  A story I was telling myself.   I have the opportunity to look at that more closely and let it go for something more in line with who I really am.

And now, I can move on.  Sometimes this can take a little time, some breathing, exploration. But, I will move on to the next moment where I can manifest who I really am and see the greatness in that.  I have let go of some of the limits I put on myself when I hold on to judgment of myself or others.  

I challenge you to look more closely the next time something goes "wrong".  What are the facts of the event (aka no interpretations, assumptions, drama, judgment)?   It probably doesn't sound so terrible now, right?  Look at the interpretations, drama, judgment you had added that made it seems worse than it was.  Can you see how that comes from you?  What's the lesson here?  What did you learn about yourself?  Can you start to move on from it?  If not, explore what is stopping you.  Remember that not forgiving yourself and others limits you- and you are meant to be limitless.

Falling in Love with Yourself

Ever wonder why we fall in love?  I've fallen a number of times and each time it feels grand.  Surges of energy, feelings of invincibility and exhilaration, unending thoughts of your beloved.  The obvious reasons for falling in love are to continue the species (biological) and fooling us into making a commitment before we really understand all the work we have before us (cultural).  But I think there is another reason- a more spiritual one.  

I recently spoke with a friend about a rock concert she went to.  She's been following this artist since she was a teen and always felt such a connection with him, his music, and  his band.  It was not an obsession thing, but the songs and concerts were part of her growing up and family.  When I asked her what she admired so much about him she listed a bunch of attributes and things he's done for his community and world.  I thought more about this conversation and realized that many qualities and attributes he possessed were courage, faith, kindness, generosity, honesty about himself and others, and following his path of bliss.  His fans, which are many, love him with a loyalty that is rare and I think this is why.  So, they've sort of fall in love with him, in a sense.  They feel alive at his concerts.  They feel happy when they sing his songs.  

OK, so what, right? Well, the "so what", is that when you fall in love or admire someone it is because you believe that they possess something that you don't.  We tend to look for folks who have qualities that we don't usually feel comfortable showing the world.  The truth is:  we do and can express these qualities.  We have chosen over the years to shut the doors on those aspects of ourselves that either we thought were not "good" (aka not get us love we craved) or belonged  only to certain people (e.g.men vs women).  We made judgments and assumptions about those parts of ourselves and out of fear, closed ourselves off from them.  Sometimes we have completely forgotten about them.  

Now, the it cuts both ways, in that the stuff that drives you nuts about people is also stuff you judge and possess, but don't want to show them out of fear.  But, the point here was that my friend was so alive and "in love" with someone who reflected what she thought she didn't have.  So, I challenge you to reflect upon people that you are "in love with" or admire greatly.  What's so great about them?  What do they have that you don't?  Is it true that you don't possess these great attributes or are you afraid to express them?  Could you imagine yourself in a situation where you could express these parts of yourself?  

Love stops becoming a way of getting what you think you lack and starts to be an opportunity to accept others where ever they are.  And you can "fall in love" with yourself.

If You Can't Beat 'em...

I am competitive.  My family is competitive.  We have to be the funniest, the smartest, the quickest, the best arguers, the most right.  This is a recipe for disaster.  At first, I looked at my competitiveness with distain.  I didn't like being competitive and would try not to be.  Then it would come out in weird ways that I would often regret.

Then I went through a stage where my competitiveness was an asset. It motivated me to take action and move forward.  I wanted to keep up with others.  The problem was that it would take a toll on me.  I'd be worn out keeping up and perceiving others as the enemy instead as supporters.   It became difficult for me to enjoy others' victories because I saw the triumphs as reminders of my failures.  It meant I was less than them.  

I have finally viewed my competitiveness for what it is.  It is a gift if I use it as a way to motivate me to keep improving my own game and it has a dark side that can take me away from who I  really am.  I recently joined a group of great folks who are working on similar professional goals.  I was nervous because I foresaw that I would feel competitive with them and not be able to support them because I would be overcome with jealousy and feeling like I need to do better than them- whatever that means.  

When I get into that space, my competitiveness reminds me to reflect on my Higher Self.  It is the kid who forgets sometimes that she is great just the way she is and doesn't need to compare herself to others to know she is good enough.  Having that internal tension with the group forces me to look at myself and know that I'm OK even when someone else is having a major victory.  I feel more supportive now with others in the same game.  I see them as allies, people to consult with and resources to tap into as well as people with whom to share and serve.  It's a whole new game with more possibilities and, I gotta tell ya, a lot more fun.

Judging can delay results

Judging can delay results!  It's true...I just did it yesterday.  I didn't understand what and why I was doing it, but it came in a journal entry ( I highly recommend this practice, by the way!).  I had been struggling with what direction to go next in my career.  I had some successes, but  a recent unexpected  result caused me to reconsider a path I was taking.  All of a sudden, I was stricken with anxiety- what do I do now? Why is it not clear? It's been clear, and now, it is foggy.  The choices which were two or three in my mind did not seem to really inspire me, but others were encouraging different ones.  I didn't understand why it seemed like such a big deal, as well.  This whole time I've been just going on "nudges" and seeing what happened.  Now, after my first "flub", I felt gun shy, uncertain.  No move seemed like a great one.

Then I saw a connection.  I had been judging a friend who was struggling with another issue that she wanted to change, but her mantra was always "it is so hard", "it's so complicated", "I feel horrible".   At the same time I was feeling the same way!  I realized that not only was I judging her, I was judging the same part of myself.  

Once again, I thought I was "over" that part of myself, but in my judgments, I realized that there was still stuff to be discovered.  I was also convinced that I needed an answer to solve all the challenges and if it only addressed some, I would reject it.  My friend felt the same way and I told her to just address what comes in front of her. One step at a time.  I was really talking to myself and didn't even know it!

Then, as I journaled, I came to the conclusion that my judgments that  "it is too hard" and having judgments that I even had those thoughts, were just delaying the process. That I need to just observe what I was thinking, feeling, believing and not judge a thing.  No matter how long it took, no matter what the outcome.  Even if the solution looked nonsensical.  That freed me up considerably.  I felt relief (that feeling that we're going for anyway!). I could let go. The solution will come.  I will be able to act on it.  I will fall again and be reminded that it's OK.  But, for now, I'm getting back on track with just feeling the relief.

Mirror of Judgement

I've been diving into healing work lately.  Shadow work a la Debbie Ford, looking at our "mirrors" (Gregg Bradden) etc.  I initially was  interested for a client who really needed some help in  this area, but of course my concern led me back to my own wounds that needed tending and healing. 

I've found myself of late feeling a lot of judgement for a specific teacher who is not answering my emails.  It is interesting in that from the get-go I felt some reservations about him.  Partly my ego was hiding jealousy, competitiveness.  He had accomplished so much with some ideas that had stirred in me, but I did not have the confidence to take action.  Then  I took his course to delve into some areas that frightened me, but had enough promise to cause me to go forward.  Most of the course I was in a weird negative energy space.  I didn't agree with most of his students, I felt he favored some over others (aka over me) and I didn't agree with some of his assignments.  Over time, I felt a little more comfortable with myself and the class and it seemed to end nicely.  I decided to  take a big step and expand how I was delivering my message and services.  I took what I needed and left the rest, as they say.

I started to have lots of questions that needed some answers and so I started emailing him.  I got infrequent, but essential answers.  I made the emails as pleasant and thankful as I could- thinking that perhaps I was still sending some negative energy his way.  Still, I was successful in my leap off the edge.  

Then some more technical issues came up.  I emailed, emailed, and emailed the contacts I thought could help me.  It all led back to him.  The frustration was building.  The "why"s listwas  created: Why won't he answer me (even to say please stop)? Why is he ignoring me? and then trying to sympathize: "Maybe he's bitten off more than he could chew and can't handle all the emails?" "Maybe he feels that I should have taken the other part of his course to get more access to him?"

To add to my frustration, he has expanded his palette of courses- now about 5 different ones in all.  I started to get angry.  "He keeps expanding to supposedly help people, but he can't answer my email?"

Can you see my judgments?  I judge him to be non-responsive, irresponsible, not really helping, perhaps not even wanting to help, overwhelmed, out-of-control, insincere etc.  Then I decided to turn the tables and see which ones I felt fit me.  Let's see: I have felt like I was not really helping, overwhelmed, out-of-control, for sure.  The insincere and non-responsive, not  wanting to help, irresponsible are less clear for the  present, but there have been times these have come about.  These are all behaviors and qualities that I certainly don't like in myself and if anyone accused me of them, I would be possibly crushed or defensive.

I need to embrace these parts of myself.  When I mean "embrace", I mean accept that they are part of my ego and make me no less or no more than anyone else.  Perhaps he is a better teacher than I thought.  After all, I've learned a lot about myself just by writing him.  I need to give him thanks without writing an email with bribery coated in gratitude ("you're so great- answer me!!")

So, what do I do now?  I stop writing him and start loving myself more and then I will start to love and accept him, as well.  Start realizing that whether he answers or not is of no consequence.  I can figure out the solutions- there is an answer.  I need to let go of needing an answer from him and know that I am OK, wounds and all.

In Step and Missteps

I took my first ever Zumba class this morning.  I am exhausted, refreshed, sweaty, alive, and achy already.  I've been thinking of taking this class for quite some time, but "things" got in the way.  I had some valid and not valid excuses about why it was not going to work.  

Then all the substitutes for the Zumba  didn't seem to work.  My inner self was still waiting on me...patiently.  However, I have learned and relearned not to let my soul's needs go unfulfilled.  Things start to go weird.  So, when the opportunity came once again and was so convenient, I decided to do it.

Wow!  It was a small class, everyone was a beginner and the instructor was kind, patient and totally in her groove.  In short, I stretched my muscles and mind and knew that this was also satisfying to the soul.  Just because it felt so good!

So, now I need to recover- I'm not used to this much exercise.  It is good to recover in this way. 

Think about something you've been thinking about doing, but put off.  Consider the "nudges" from your soul and then watch for "happy coincidences" that appear.  Then, DO IT!

Slowing Down

When I tune into them, there are tons of signs for me to take action or not take action on a particular thing in my life.  This week there have a quite a few signs for me to SLOW DOWN.  I've been running fast.  It has been extremely productive and exciting and exhausting and although it feels like there are still a million things to do and explore, my body, my kids, my spirit, and most recently, my car has been signaling to rest a bit.

First, I started getting periodic stomach upset.  Then my butt has been aching (took a strength bands class- what a workout!) and I had to slowly walk around to lessen the soarness of my rear.  Then my kids have been climbing on and off of my lap more often than usual and my 4 year old can't seem to survive without me being with her 24/7.  Most recently, my car battery drained due to yesterday's panic pushing of still mysterious buttons in my minivan, setting off the interior lights.  I literally could not go faster than a slow jog to get anywhere after that.

What a blessing!  I had a larger block of time this morning to just chill.  I realized just recently that when this stuff starts it is so much easier to just surrender to it than to try to work around it.  If I've done the later, the signs become more dramatic and I'm stuck in bed with a soar back or lost something that I regret. Although that in itself can be spiritually illuminating.

So the next time you stub your toe or hurt your back or your car dies, curse if you must, but then take it as a sign to slow down and maybe smell the roses.

Coming into your own

Monday I led my teleclass on"Uncovering Your Extraordinary Life" specifically for women.  It was similar to the local workshop, but I had not done this type of work on the phone.  My experience of it was that it flowed, it felt fairly easy to do, I felt grounded and confident.  In short, I felt like I was in my element. I was coming into my own.

I've had other moments in my life where this was the case.  It feels like this is what I was meant to do- like I was the "hole in the flute where Christ's breath flowed" and the music was wonderful. So, why doesn't  that happen all the time, or even, more often?  

I don't know the answer to that question, but I think at least part of it has to do with letting ourselves get confused- or having our egos confuse us- about what we want/need/should be doing.  I know if I stop being present, being still, focusing on the Now, then I start to get into my head and feel cut off from the heart.  And when that happens, I start worrying about details, and thinking and rethinking what I'm doing, trying to make sure it is perfect...then it all gets out of whack.  I get attached to what I am doing and disconnected to who I really am.  I start to fear the lose of what I have at the moment.

Case in point, the call went really well and flowed- I was connected.  Then I went to check out the recording of it the next day and ...it was only one-third there.  The recording stopped about 22 minutes into the hour call.  I was frustrated, disappointed.  Then I remembered, that it really doesn't matter.  I can do a lot with 22 minutes.  I started to become attached to a recording and started worrying about losing something.  I will create new things, new recordings. It's impossible not to.  I will be that flow again and how wonderful is that? 

We're Having a Heat Wave!

This week on the east coast, and I suppose in other areas, there's been a heat wave.  We were dripping to begin with and then suddenly, all the electricity went out.  It was the entire town and parts of the state.  

I immediately started problem solving.  We'd fill up the baby pool, get out the popsicles and make a party of it. Everyone will have fun.  We'll get away from the TV and computer and get some real QT in.  Then, things did not go exactly as planned.  Crankiness ensued.  Increased sweatiness.  Complaints started.  I spoke with my husband for no other reason other to let him know that we were suffering although it was in the guise of helping him think of strategies in case of train delays.  

Then my cell phone stopped working.  My incredible au pair tried her cell and it worked.  She recommended calling my husband again.  I thought it was not a good idea- what's the use of telling him what's going on if he could do nothing about it?  I didn't want to go "into my story", but accept the situation and find solutions.  My au pair nudged me to call.  With her prodding,  I called not knowing what to expect from the call.  My husband wisely suggested that we call my brother, who is 20 minutes away, and go there to hang out and get cool.  It never occurred to me to call him and ask for help. 

 I called him and of course, he welcomed us.  It was awesome!  Cool air, fresh food, a ping pong table!   The kids came alive and my brother and sister-in-law had some excitement that night.  

I learned some valuable lessons.  Ask for help when you need it.  We have an abundance of resources at our fingertips if we know where to look.  We know where to look, if we are open to all possibilities.  We are open to all possibilities if we don't judge the moment.   When you get a nudge, whether from yourself or someone else, seriously consider acting on it, even if you don't understand what it is about at the moment.  Chances are that it will become clearer with time. 

Our au pair, my husband, and my brother and sister-in-law were my guardian angels last night.  Who are yours? 

Changing your Energy

Everything is energy. We are swimming in it, enveloped by it, eating and pooping it.  Maybe that's too much information, but in our house, we talk a lot about bodily functions, but I digress...

So we are constantly surrounded by our energy and the energy of others.  I have become more aware of the energy of others and I've noticed that I am sensitive to it.  I feel it and it affects me.  Today I was sitting in the waiting room of my daughter's speech therapist when another family walked in.  I felt immediately the difference in energy.  I was talking to my mom on the cell and felt really happy and calm and when they walked in I felt uneasy.  I finished the conversation quickly with my mom and chalked it up to a courtesy issue- no one needs to hear my conversation with mom.  Then after I hung up I realized that it was more than that.  This family had such a contrasting energy that I felt I needed to really be alert to my own energy.

After an attempt or two in interacting with them and getting little or no response- they seemed very tense and nervous, I decided to close my eyes and breath and get centered into my own peacefulness.  At first, I made it about trying to change their energy- sending them peace, love, the message that it's going to be OK.  Then the realization came that my only responsibility and business is my own energy.  I went into a nice space of peace and relaxation while still being alert in the room.  

Shortly I noticed the tense easing just a little.  The husband was still tense, but the wife was more relaxed and the child was enjoying himself with the playroom.   I think the energy did change in that room just a little.  It helped that my daughter was finishing up her session and it also helped that I stopped interacting with them.  But no small part was my focus on my own energy instead of their energy.  It was reminder that I can't change others- only myself and my perceptions.  Then the whole world changes at my feet.

Getting Clear

So I've been experiencing recurrent flooding in my basement.  This is not a fun experience- I did not think I was choosing this over and over, but since essentially I do choose all of it, I wondered, why?

Why is tricky one. If you try too hard to think why, then you can easily get into ego stuff and suffer and struggle and blame and..I think you get it.  So, I did ask why, but then I let it go and observed what was going on.  It did force me to look at old stuff in my basement and clear out some mental stuff.  But, little leaks here and there led me to more wonderings and observations about deeper issues.  I started listening to my inner voice, getting still and journaling.  I started doing work around my family and family history. The deeper I got, the more signals I would get to keep going and looking.  I was swimming in information, but since I've had to tread water before, I "Just [kept] swimming" as Dory would say ("Finding Nemo").  Eventually, I started to feel the bottom with my toes and then with feet firmly planted, I slowly walked into shallower water.

I realized that some family history was informing beliefs of mine about abundance and worthiness.  If I had abundance, I would be losing something else.  So, attempts to reach for abundance had mixed efforts, sabotages, delays.  Once I connected the dots, it became clear that I was ready to let go of those beliefs and reveal more of my real self. Welcoming the abundance.  Willing to receive it.  Willing to do some things that seemed a little intimidating in order to bring more abundance into my life.  I also realized that I would waste time- I was actually not using my time in a way that matched my worth.  In other words, I wasted time with things I let distract me instead of doing things that were really worth my time- the things I loved and thought important.  I started using a tracker system- The Trikaya Tracker (www.TrikayaTribe.com) that kept me accountable to what I say is important in my life.  It only took me one day to realize that I was wasting time and effort in a big way.  

I know that we are spiritual beings living a human world.  We are playing with form.  I started wanting the form to actually match my spirit- I was getting clearer.  I was able to start letting go of beliefs of others and not make them my own.  Now, the world has opened up.  Another relief...

Having No Plan

Throughout my life I have had many people tell me that I need a plan to succeed.  And so, I would immediately write out a plan with much detail and get overwhelmed with the enormity of it and put it aside.  No one that I remember ever told me to not have a plan, until recently.  

I was reading a newsletter from Ray Dodd about how to create more financial wealth.  His teachings are based on the "Power of Belief"-- that what we believe is not only instrumental in what we will have in the future, it is the basis of who we are and what we have now.  He was talking about how people often trying to control things when they are attempting to get what they want.  They get focussed on the "how" of it.  Often people won't even dare to dream about something because they don't know how they would ever have it.

He doesn't say, don't have goals or don't write down ideas of what you want or a simple plan, but he does emphasize that if you start worrying about the "how"s of a plan, you actually limit the possibilities.  The Universe gets you what you want based on what you believe in the most efficient way so if you only believe something can happen in a certain way, you limit the speed and ways you could receive it.

Case in point: My daughter needed an evaluation which costs $500 and I was thinking "Wow, that's a lot of money! This may really make things tight for us this month."  Then I decided I was not going to worry about the money and it would be fine no matter what.  Within a few days, I realized that a check I wrote for a program for the same daughter was given back to me since there was no room for her.  As I tore up the used check, I looked down and realized that it was for, you guessed it, $500.  So the money came from one place and went to another- pretty easy, eh?  

Now, I love this way of thinking.  It used to stress me out that I didn't feel like I controlled how things happened.  But, I never it.  I let myself get stressed by circumstances instead of staying in a peaceful state no matter what and trusting that things would work out- now that is control!  I am learning to trust more that I will get what I want- based on the premise that it will be OK even if it doesn't show up the way I expect. For me, when I remember to trust, it is like opening a present again and again.

Emotional Spring Cleaning

We had two floods in our basement in the past 3 months.  The second one, an "I Love Lucy" kind of pipe burst, happened two days after finishing our basement after the first flood and installing a water purification system.  I was baffled about why this was happening.  Not the physical reason- a valve explosion, but the bigger reason.  

After the initial shock of seeing the water and turning off the valve.  My husband and I immediately started to salvage stuff.  Cleaning out the basement was on my list of stuff to do that day and so, now I could avoid it no longer.  Miraculously, the important stuff was fine. Photos, books, clothes were intact.  The stuff that we no longer needed or had no meaning, was tossed.  

Then it hit me.   I needed to spring clean my basement and also my inner world.  I had all this old stuff in me that I no longer needed, but was holding on to for no other reason than habit.  Now was the opportunity to let it go, toss it out.  The basement is not spotless (just like my inner emotional state), but it is clearer and more manageable.  If another flood hits, there will be less damage and it will be easier to recover from.  I am better capable of handling it.  

The flood also allowed me to be grateful.  I was feeling victimized when it happened.  Then I realized that we are so lucky that we were around when it happened, that my husband was home to help, that we have enough money to pay the plumber, that we had water in the house to drink and bathe, that we had a house, that we were alive.  

Yes, it was a pain in the butt to clean up and we had no water for a few hours, but that's about it.  It was another reminder of how blessed we are.  Oh, and I found some old mother's and father's day cards from when I was six.  That was pretty cool...

Mothers' Day letter to Myself

I wrote a love letter to my mom today.  It flowed out of me easily and it was something that I thought about doing for the past week.   It was a surprise because  although my relationship with my mother has improved tremendously over the years, especially after having children myself, it was far from perfect.  

I have heard a lot of women talk about their mothers as their heroes.  That they worked hard to get their daughters a better life or they were a model of feminism, beat the odds and so on.  I had a hard time thinking about my mother in that way.  She had some sound advice for me over the years but we had  some major differences around most things i.e feminism, politics, religion, etc.  She still tends to fret about things and now is losing her memory which can exacerbate her anxiety.

However, the inspiration to write her a letter for Mothers' Day seemed like a very natural thing to do and now that she is in her mid-80s, I thought it something to do sooner than later.  After I wrote the letter I cried for a minute.  I have realized that when I cry it usually means that what I am experiencing is true in some way- a inner truth.

The letter allowed me to see several truths: the obvious one is that I truly love my mother and I think she did a lot more for me than I thought.   The other is that there is a great deal of positive in our relationship and I wanted her to know that she accomplished much with her mothering.  In short, my mother became one of my heroes.

 Another truth was not obvious until I finished the letter.  This letter was from my inner Being.  It was a letter that reflected what my inner spirit saw in my mother as her real self- not her anxiety or her political views, but her highest self.  It was spirit to spirit.  

Lastly and certainly not least, it was a letter from my inner Being to me.  It was what I needed to hear about myself- that I was a good mother- not perfect, but loving and kind-even in crazy times.  

When my mentor first spoke to me, he made a point of saying that I needed to be kind and gentle with myself in this process- again it brought me to tears knowing that this was something that I needed to do, but rarely allowed it to happen.  I think this letter finally allowed me to experience this compassion.

So, if you are ever feeling like a failure as a mother or even mildly overwhelmed, write your mother (whether she is in this world still or not) a love letter.  You never know what will happen.

Happy Mothers' Day

Ah! The Ego...

I was confronted with the realization that I have been allowing my ego to run amuck and really enjoying it in that "misery loves company" sort of way. I mean, what is the fun of complaining if there is nothing to complain about, right?  

This started just around the time that I announced that I was to give a workshop.  Not coincidentally, the topic was about finding your extraordinary life through being in the Now-aka not being in egoic thought.  And so the craziness ensued!  

I will not indulge my ego once again by going into the gory details, but I wanted to illustrate the pattern it took, just incase it may come up again (what are the chances of that, right?).  First, there was the event itself.  I went into it with some ego already- will I fit in? Will this be the place for me? What will it be like?  Anxiety, questions of comparison-good/bad, better/worse, isolation, fear.   Then, everything was interpreted with that energy.  The people were nice, but different.  The speakers were...OK, not great.  I already know what they are talking about and they are missing some key pieces here.  

In other words, instead of going to the event and having a helpful energy and observing  and being aware without judging, I assumed, judged, compared, criticized etc.  I felt strangely uncomfortable and yet superior at the same time.  A little smug.

So, instead of leaving the event and being OK with the difference and choosing that perhaps, this is not the place for me, I decided to return.  I was going to give them one more chance!! I'm so generous!!!  

I returned with my kids- they had free crafts- this is hard to turn down.  Of course, the speaker was sub-par and I had the same feeling- I don't belong with more drama of why this was so!!  Then a big question mark-WHY do I not feel comfortable and in sink with these people?  

After several days of pondering  that one and writing a treatise of my drama to my mentor (he was very helpful in that he didn't get into my drama with me...), I was reading Tolle's Stillness Speaks.  It said that if you are wondering, why is this happening to me?, you are not accepting the situation.  You are in ego and resisting what is.  Then,  it hit me.  I've been on an ego trip for the past week and not even knowing it!!!

I think I just needed to be a little more miserable before I decided to come back to myself.  This is a practice, a life-long practice.  I had told myself that I experienced it and so I'm done and now, I can teach it.  It is a little different for me.  I experienced it, then I forgot, and I come back to experience it, and I teach it to remind myself that I can always come back home and experience it whenever I like.  The teaching is to help others, but it is equally important "to keep me honest", so to speak.  To remind myself of who I really am.  And when I remember who I am, everything else fades away except the extraordinary life situation that I have and the extraordinary Life that I am.  

Raising Children as a Spiritual Practice

The subtitle here is: How my ego gets in the way of flossing my child's teeth

Eckhart Tolle talks about how raising children can be a whole spiritual practice in itself.  I don't think he means that everything is cuddly and sweet and peaceful all the time.  Certainly, that is part of the equation. What he is referring to is how children are great at triggering the part of the ego called the "pain body"- that dark part of each of us which results from unresolved negative energy.  When we identify with it and let it take over, it is a separate entity that is part of the ego.   It is not the children's fault, they are just in the dynamic with us. If we can become aware of it and watch it and not identify with it, it will dissolve over time. With practice  we do not become engaged with it at all and our peace and love shine through.  Sounds nice, right?

I noticed that when I am pre-menstrual, I am more likely to identify with my pain-body. It is no surprise, and Tolle also talks about becoming  aware of the pain-body during this time. It is another opportunity that also can  be a whole spiritual practice onto itself.  I was blessed, as all mothers are, to have the double opportunity to practice in that I'm raising kids while PMSing. So, here I am in and out of awareness that my pain-body is present, and I'm trying to floss my middle child's teeth.  She's not keen on the flossing and so the games begin.  If I looked at the video of the event, I, and certainly my mommie friends,  would be amused, horrified, and saddened by what they saw.  

My daughter, bless her, is very strong willed and doesn't easily give in.  I felt that I couldn't give in either and we were in a stalemate.  I first talked sweetly to her, negotiated, explained, negotiated more, gave scenarios of painful dental appts, put sanctions in place, summarized the deal over and over.  Then I threatened with physical restraints- basically holding her down to floss.  

OK I know what you are thinking...actually I am assuming I know, which can really feed the ego, so I will stop doing that.  It's none of my business anyway.

Finally, my husband got home and saved my butt.  He offered to floss her teeth.  She refused.  The problem was that the floss had mint flavor which she reported as burning her.  My pain-body just didn't care (that's the pain-body for you!).  He talked with her gently for a moment and it gave me a moment to snap out of my righteous, need for control, and wound of disrespect for a second to look for a hidden stash of unflavored floss.  I found some plain kiddie flossers and immediately she was interested in them.  The flossing was finished in 20  seconds.

The rest of the night I felt ashamed of myself (more ego) and then sat in a tub of hot aromatic water, breathed, quieted down and forgave myself for my behavior.  Certainly it was not the worst of my non-peaceful, ego driven, really-not-me parenting.  It was a reminder of how easily one can slip into the pain-body without notice and get stuck.  I couldn't even hear my husband's reasonable option of not flossing that night and buying some plain floss for the next day.  "It was too late..It was too far gone for that!" my ego  defended.  Wisely, he didn't get into with me. He just said "OK". Smart man.

Having Abundance in my Life

I love the feeling of abundance!  So, why don't I chose to feel abundant all the time?  I get into fear mode- there is not enough, I am not enough, I need to have more, I am afraid to ask for more, I can't give or spend more....I was in this way of thinking most recently and I would assume that you would understand that, despite its familiarity,  it pretty much stinks! However, it taught me a lot about myself.  I realized, with a little guidance, that it comes from feelings of unworthiness.  Feelings of not being enough just the way I am.  Feelings that everything needs to be perfect or else why bother.  

Without this stinky feeling inside, I would have never discovered or would have dismissed these deeper beliefs.  This time I was ready to look at them.  So, how to "get rid" of these stinky feelings, you ask?  I decided to just be aware of them as they appear- they were everywhere. Talk about abundance!!! "I can't buy that now...", " I keep spending but am not making", "There's not enough time in the day to get all this done..", "I need to do  more here...", "I didn't get it all done", "Who is going to want to do this?", "What if no one comes to this event?", "I not going to ask for what I really want, because he is not going to give it to me.."  and on and on.

As I become aware of them, and thus being the awareness of the thoughts and feelings, I  realize I'm not those beliefs.  I am becoming more separate from identifying with thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. (Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now")  A mentor of mine suggested that I ask myself a question when I start getting into a mindset where I feel like I need to fill others needs and neglect my own (when the kids start asking for things from me all at the same time).  The question is "What do I need right now?"  The idea is to stop the cycle of feelings and thoughts of unworthiness and lack and treat myself as if I am very worthy- as worthy as my children or my husband or anyone else.  If I treat myself this way, I will have more to give in the long run, thus feeling abundant- interesting how that works...  

Another suggestion, which I heard last night from Eckhart Tolle ("A New Earth..."), was to  become aware of all the abundance around you.  You can do this just by looking around you, out the window- seeing the abundance of nature, or even walking down the street and seeing the abundance of fruit in a store.  Being still also allows me to feel the abundance of aliveness in my hands, my feet, legs, head, etc.  

The only thing that is stopping me is my attachment to feeling unworthy and in lack.  After all, this belief has been in my life for a very long time.  I do have confidence that with time, this belief will not just feel stinky, but doesn't hold up to the evidence of my life. I will discover that it just doesn't serve me and it will slowly dissipate.  If I fight against it, I'm perpetuating it, fueling the fire. (Check out Ray Dodd's "Power of Belief")

I had an inspiration this morning that was fueled by my increasing feelings of abundance.  I got an email from Heifer International, one of my favorite organizations.  It declared April as "Pass On the Gift" month.  At some point in time, families who have received an animal, insect, or crop to cultivate or raise pass on their offspring to another family.  They were encouraging donors to host "Pass On the Gift" dinner parties to raise  awareness and perhaps funds for Heifer International.  As soon as I read it I thought it to be inline with my abundance project for myself.  

In giving of myself and encouraging others to find the abundance in their lives and to also give in anyway they were able, would I not be creating another avenue of being conscious of the incredible abundance in my life?  Besides, I love a good party.  

As I started to think about the party and how it would look, I had an incredible feeling of abundance in just what I had already.  The abundance of sunshine, the abundance of water in my shower, the abundance of food for breakfast, the abundance of laughter coming from my children which started a whole string of abundances just thinking of them.  Just the idea of the party opened up the depths of abundance within me.  I think it is Neale Donald Walsch ("Conversations with God") who called this "Being the Source".  Being the source of what you want for someone else is a great way of becoming aware that you already possess it.  After all, if you need to possess it before you can give it away, right?

Now, it doesn't  really matter what happens with this party or even if I have one.  It is the knowing that I already have this abundance and worthiness inside me that is there whenever I need it.  It is that feeling of peace and wholeness.  Tolle defines "wholeness" as having peace with his imperfections.  I loved that. I don't have to be perfect to be worthy or deserving of abundance.  Perfection is not the goal- it is impossible after all.  It is the knowing that I am OK right now.  I am abundance. I am whole.

With gratitude always for this moment.

Awakenings

Welcome to Becoming Awake!!! I started this blog as a way to share my experiences of the process of becoming awake more and more each moment.  My intent is to illustrate what becoming more conscious looks like from my perspective.  The perspective of a 41 year old mother of three young children living in a suburb.  Now, I know this is not who I really am, in that, I am an eternal formless Being connected to Source.  And so are you.

Perhaps you will join me in this not always smooth road of spiritual evolution, or not, as you wish.  As inspirations appear, I'll be writing about them here.