First Day of School!! First Day of School...

In one of the first scenes of Finding Nemo,  little Nemo swims around his father Marlin announcing the first day of school.  Marlin, an extremely cautious and protective father, is not thrilled to let his remaining child (the rest, along with his wife, were killed by a barracuda in the first scene) be separated from him and face the perils of school life.  Well, I felt a little like Marlin today. 

My daughter was super excited to start 1st grade and I was excited for her.  Then as I thought about my baby going on a bus by herself and arriving to her school amongst a mob of children trying to find her way to a classroom, I started to get a little nervous.  Then I realized that she'd be gone from 8:30 until 3:30 all week.  I'm used to her being around-even if I'm shooing her away so I can get some work done.  I felt sad.  I was able to stay "up" while she was with me, but watching her sit on the bus was like watching Nemo venture off the the dreaded "drop-off".  

In this moment of feeling sad and a little nervous I came up with an epiphany.  As much as I crave time alone and sometimes feel as if I'm juggling children and my work and myself in a day, I really love being with my kids.  This was an important discovery for me since there were times when I needed to be separate so much that I wondered if I did not love being with them.   And then the guilt would emerge- my ego playing with this little tidbit of information. How could I not love being them?  I'm a mother- that is a requirement, right?  What kind of mother would I be if I did not love being them?  You get the picture.  

I was voicing all this to my mentor who is always helpful during these times.  He pointed out that when I feel the "shoulds" of being with my kids- I should love being with them, I should spend more time with them, I shouldn't ask them to do something else when I'm working because that is not being a good mother etc-then I will never get it right.  It will never be enough and I'll always be resentful.  But, the discovery that I am sad to see my daughter out of the house for 7 hours a day and that I'm going to miss her is real.  That I do love to be with my kids is about what I want and how I feel, not about "shoulds" or societal beliefs.  It is from my heart.  

In other words, I want to listen and respect it.  It is true to me.  The other stuff, the "shoulds", are not helpful and will lead to a life that will never feel whole.  

I picked up my daughter this afternoon and we walked home together.  It was good to see her and she was excited about her first day.  I wanted to be with her.  It felt really good.  In my view, I was mothering in the best way I can.