Mirror of Judgement

I've been diving into healing work lately.  Shadow work a la Debbie Ford, looking at our "mirrors" (Gregg Bradden) etc.  I initially was  interested for a client who really needed some help in  this area, but of course my concern led me back to my own wounds that needed tending and healing. 

I've found myself of late feeling a lot of judgement for a specific teacher who is not answering my emails.  It is interesting in that from the get-go I felt some reservations about him.  Partly my ego was hiding jealousy, competitiveness.  He had accomplished so much with some ideas that had stirred in me, but I did not have the confidence to take action.  Then  I took his course to delve into some areas that frightened me, but had enough promise to cause me to go forward.  Most of the course I was in a weird negative energy space.  I didn't agree with most of his students, I felt he favored some over others (aka over me) and I didn't agree with some of his assignments.  Over time, I felt a little more comfortable with myself and the class and it seemed to end nicely.  I decided to  take a big step and expand how I was delivering my message and services.  I took what I needed and left the rest, as they say.

I started to have lots of questions that needed some answers and so I started emailing him.  I got infrequent, but essential answers.  I made the emails as pleasant and thankful as I could- thinking that perhaps I was still sending some negative energy his way.  Still, I was successful in my leap off the edge.  

Then some more technical issues came up.  I emailed, emailed, and emailed the contacts I thought could help me.  It all led back to him.  The frustration was building.  The "why"s listwas  created: Why won't he answer me (even to say please stop)? Why is he ignoring me? and then trying to sympathize: "Maybe he's bitten off more than he could chew and can't handle all the emails?" "Maybe he feels that I should have taken the other part of his course to get more access to him?"

To add to my frustration, he has expanded his palette of courses- now about 5 different ones in all.  I started to get angry.  "He keeps expanding to supposedly help people, but he can't answer my email?"

Can you see my judgments?  I judge him to be non-responsive, irresponsible, not really helping, perhaps not even wanting to help, overwhelmed, out-of-control, insincere etc.  Then I decided to turn the tables and see which ones I felt fit me.  Let's see: I have felt like I was not really helping, overwhelmed, out-of-control, for sure.  The insincere and non-responsive, not  wanting to help, irresponsible are less clear for the  present, but there have been times these have come about.  These are all behaviors and qualities that I certainly don't like in myself and if anyone accused me of them, I would be possibly crushed or defensive.

I need to embrace these parts of myself.  When I mean "embrace", I mean accept that they are part of my ego and make me no less or no more than anyone else.  Perhaps he is a better teacher than I thought.  After all, I've learned a lot about myself just by writing him.  I need to give him thanks without writing an email with bribery coated in gratitude ("you're so great- answer me!!")

So, what do I do now?  I stop writing him and start loving myself more and then I will start to love and accept him, as well.  Start realizing that whether he answers or not is of no consequence.  I can figure out the solutions- there is an answer.  I need to let go of needing an answer from him and know that I am OK, wounds and all.