Falling in Love with Yourself

Ever wonder why we fall in love?  I've fallen a number of times and each time it feels grand.  Surges of energy, feelings of invincibility and exhilaration, unending thoughts of your beloved.  The obvious reasons for falling in love are to continue the species (biological) and fooling us into making a commitment before we really understand all the work we have before us (cultural).  But I think there is another reason- a more spiritual one.  

I recently spoke with a friend about a rock concert she went to.  She's been following this artist since she was a teen and always felt such a connection with him, his music, and  his band.  It was not an obsession thing, but the songs and concerts were part of her growing up and family.  When I asked her what she admired so much about him she listed a bunch of attributes and things he's done for his community and world.  I thought more about this conversation and realized that many qualities and attributes he possessed were courage, faith, kindness, generosity, honesty about himself and others, and following his path of bliss.  His fans, which are many, love him with a loyalty that is rare and I think this is why.  So, they've sort of fall in love with him, in a sense.  They feel alive at his concerts.  They feel happy when they sing his songs.  

OK, so what, right? Well, the "so what", is that when you fall in love or admire someone it is because you believe that they possess something that you don't.  We tend to look for folks who have qualities that we don't usually feel comfortable showing the world.  The truth is:  we do and can express these qualities.  We have chosen over the years to shut the doors on those aspects of ourselves that either we thought were not "good" (aka not get us love we craved) or belonged  only to certain people (e.g.men vs women).  We made judgments and assumptions about those parts of ourselves and out of fear, closed ourselves off from them.  Sometimes we have completely forgotten about them.  

Now, the it cuts both ways, in that the stuff that drives you nuts about people is also stuff you judge and possess, but don't want to show them out of fear.  But, the point here was that my friend was so alive and "in love" with someone who reflected what she thought she didn't have.  So, I challenge you to reflect upon people that you are "in love with" or admire greatly.  What's so great about them?  What do they have that you don't?  Is it true that you don't possess these great attributes or are you afraid to express them?  Could you imagine yourself in a situation where you could express these parts of yourself?  

Love stops becoming a way of getting what you think you lack and starts to be an opportunity to accept others where ever they are.  And you can "fall in love" with yourself.

If You Can't Beat 'em...

I am competitive.  My family is competitive.  We have to be the funniest, the smartest, the quickest, the best arguers, the most right.  This is a recipe for disaster.  At first, I looked at my competitiveness with distain.  I didn't like being competitive and would try not to be.  Then it would come out in weird ways that I would often regret.

Then I went through a stage where my competitiveness was an asset. It motivated me to take action and move forward.  I wanted to keep up with others.  The problem was that it would take a toll on me.  I'd be worn out keeping up and perceiving others as the enemy instead as supporters.   It became difficult for me to enjoy others' victories because I saw the triumphs as reminders of my failures.  It meant I was less than them.  

I have finally viewed my competitiveness for what it is.  It is a gift if I use it as a way to motivate me to keep improving my own game and it has a dark side that can take me away from who I  really am.  I recently joined a group of great folks who are working on similar professional goals.  I was nervous because I foresaw that I would feel competitive with them and not be able to support them because I would be overcome with jealousy and feeling like I need to do better than them- whatever that means.  

When I get into that space, my competitiveness reminds me to reflect on my Higher Self.  It is the kid who forgets sometimes that she is great just the way she is and doesn't need to compare herself to others to know she is good enough.  Having that internal tension with the group forces me to look at myself and know that I'm OK even when someone else is having a major victory.  I feel more supportive now with others in the same game.  I see them as allies, people to consult with and resources to tap into as well as people with whom to share and serve.  It's a whole new game with more possibilities and, I gotta tell ya, a lot more fun.

Judging can delay results

Judging can delay results!  It's true...I just did it yesterday.  I didn't understand what and why I was doing it, but it came in a journal entry ( I highly recommend this practice, by the way!).  I had been struggling with what direction to go next in my career.  I had some successes, but  a recent unexpected  result caused me to reconsider a path I was taking.  All of a sudden, I was stricken with anxiety- what do I do now? Why is it not clear? It's been clear, and now, it is foggy.  The choices which were two or three in my mind did not seem to really inspire me, but others were encouraging different ones.  I didn't understand why it seemed like such a big deal, as well.  This whole time I've been just going on "nudges" and seeing what happened.  Now, after my first "flub", I felt gun shy, uncertain.  No move seemed like a great one.

Then I saw a connection.  I had been judging a friend who was struggling with another issue that she wanted to change, but her mantra was always "it is so hard", "it's so complicated", "I feel horrible".   At the same time I was feeling the same way!  I realized that not only was I judging her, I was judging the same part of myself.  

Once again, I thought I was "over" that part of myself, but in my judgments, I realized that there was still stuff to be discovered.  I was also convinced that I needed an answer to solve all the challenges and if it only addressed some, I would reject it.  My friend felt the same way and I told her to just address what comes in front of her. One step at a time.  I was really talking to myself and didn't even know it!

Then, as I journaled, I came to the conclusion that my judgments that  "it is too hard" and having judgments that I even had those thoughts, were just delaying the process. That I need to just observe what I was thinking, feeling, believing and not judge a thing.  No matter how long it took, no matter what the outcome.  Even if the solution looked nonsensical.  That freed me up considerably.  I felt relief (that feeling that we're going for anyway!). I could let go. The solution will come.  I will be able to act on it.  I will fall again and be reminded that it's OK.  But, for now, I'm getting back on track with just feeling the relief.

Mirror of Judgement

I've been diving into healing work lately.  Shadow work a la Debbie Ford, looking at our "mirrors" (Gregg Bradden) etc.  I initially was  interested for a client who really needed some help in  this area, but of course my concern led me back to my own wounds that needed tending and healing. 

I've found myself of late feeling a lot of judgement for a specific teacher who is not answering my emails.  It is interesting in that from the get-go I felt some reservations about him.  Partly my ego was hiding jealousy, competitiveness.  He had accomplished so much with some ideas that had stirred in me, but I did not have the confidence to take action.  Then  I took his course to delve into some areas that frightened me, but had enough promise to cause me to go forward.  Most of the course I was in a weird negative energy space.  I didn't agree with most of his students, I felt he favored some over others (aka over me) and I didn't agree with some of his assignments.  Over time, I felt a little more comfortable with myself and the class and it seemed to end nicely.  I decided to  take a big step and expand how I was delivering my message and services.  I took what I needed and left the rest, as they say.

I started to have lots of questions that needed some answers and so I started emailing him.  I got infrequent, but essential answers.  I made the emails as pleasant and thankful as I could- thinking that perhaps I was still sending some negative energy his way.  Still, I was successful in my leap off the edge.  

Then some more technical issues came up.  I emailed, emailed, and emailed the contacts I thought could help me.  It all led back to him.  The frustration was building.  The "why"s listwas  created: Why won't he answer me (even to say please stop)? Why is he ignoring me? and then trying to sympathize: "Maybe he's bitten off more than he could chew and can't handle all the emails?" "Maybe he feels that I should have taken the other part of his course to get more access to him?"

To add to my frustration, he has expanded his palette of courses- now about 5 different ones in all.  I started to get angry.  "He keeps expanding to supposedly help people, but he can't answer my email?"

Can you see my judgments?  I judge him to be non-responsive, irresponsible, not really helping, perhaps not even wanting to help, overwhelmed, out-of-control, insincere etc.  Then I decided to turn the tables and see which ones I felt fit me.  Let's see: I have felt like I was not really helping, overwhelmed, out-of-control, for sure.  The insincere and non-responsive, not  wanting to help, irresponsible are less clear for the  present, but there have been times these have come about.  These are all behaviors and qualities that I certainly don't like in myself and if anyone accused me of them, I would be possibly crushed or defensive.

I need to embrace these parts of myself.  When I mean "embrace", I mean accept that they are part of my ego and make me no less or no more than anyone else.  Perhaps he is a better teacher than I thought.  After all, I've learned a lot about myself just by writing him.  I need to give him thanks without writing an email with bribery coated in gratitude ("you're so great- answer me!!")

So, what do I do now?  I stop writing him and start loving myself more and then I will start to love and accept him, as well.  Start realizing that whether he answers or not is of no consequence.  I can figure out the solutions- there is an answer.  I need to let go of needing an answer from him and know that I am OK, wounds and all.

In Step and Missteps

I took my first ever Zumba class this morning.  I am exhausted, refreshed, sweaty, alive, and achy already.  I've been thinking of taking this class for quite some time, but "things" got in the way.  I had some valid and not valid excuses about why it was not going to work.  

Then all the substitutes for the Zumba  didn't seem to work.  My inner self was still waiting on me...patiently.  However, I have learned and relearned not to let my soul's needs go unfulfilled.  Things start to go weird.  So, when the opportunity came once again and was so convenient, I decided to do it.

Wow!  It was a small class, everyone was a beginner and the instructor was kind, patient and totally in her groove.  In short, I stretched my muscles and mind and knew that this was also satisfying to the soul.  Just because it felt so good!

So, now I need to recover- I'm not used to this much exercise.  It is good to recover in this way. 

Think about something you've been thinking about doing, but put off.  Consider the "nudges" from your soul and then watch for "happy coincidences" that appear.  Then, DO IT!