Who's Responsible Here?

As mothers we are programmed to be responsible. We have children. We have a household. Many times we have work "outside the home"- a business, job, career. We have our extended families. Community work. The list could go on and on. And even with all that, we often take on more, just because perhaps we still have a minute or two on the schedule.

Mothers are not alone in their responsibilities, but there seems to be a different "flavor" to mother's responsibilities. It is the flavor that if anyone of them is not going exactly the way it "should", that we are somehow not good mothers. And what a set-up that is!

I had two different conversations this week about this exact topic and I feel that I received a great deal of illumination about how we, as mothers, can view all that we take on. If you can just consider looking at your life through this different lens, if may give you great relief. And the "lens" is this: You are not responsible for anyone's life experience but your own. You have children, but you are not responsible for how they feel. You are there to be their guide. Your guidance is in helping them understand their own "guidance system"- their feelings. And one of the biggest ways of guiding them is to pay attention to your own feelings.

I have been know to fix things and people. I can act as a "fixer". Not only is this an impossible task, but it really doesn't help in the long term. It gives me some temporary relief, but then there is always the new thing to fix. It is draining and not serving me. The fixing is the need to be responsible for someone else life. The need to feel needed and get validation for that.

Let's clarify: I think that if your toddler is about to run into traffic that you should get her out asap. This is not a excuse for negligence or abuse. But, it is the idea that you can't have control, nor should you have control, over another. It is the idea that life unfolds and you focus on how you are feeling about that unfolding. You can assist your children with dealing with life by asking them questions about their feelings "How did that feel when you said that?" "What feelings came over you before when you are shouting?" Help them connect with their own inner guidance and wisdom. When they ask for help, help them. But, fixing stuff just sends the message that they should ignore their guidance. That it means little to them. Feeling responsible for how they feel and how they are doing only takes power away from their ability to tease that out for themselves.

You don't have to be the "fixer". How does that feel to you? Is it a relief or does it feel threatening? Does it lift the burden or chip away at your identity? Knowing that you don't have to fix things can create more options for you to experience life. There is a freedom to knowing that you just need to observe the unfolding and act from a place of love instead of control and fear. But don't take my word for it. Give it a try.

This week start observing ways in which you try to control what is going on in your life and the lives of others. Do you feel responsible for the results? Do you feel unsatisfied with how things are unfolding? Is there a resistance to what is going on or are you allowing the unfolding? Do you feel that you could handle it if things go in unexpected ways? Could you consider that you are not responsible for everything everyone else is feeling?

Good luck and let us know what happens!