Our World of Wounds

I've been compulsively scanning the internet about our most recent economic mess. I've been receiving political emails highlighting the conspiracies and lies from one party and the other. Accusations flying about. Personal insults. Sorta like high school gossip, but with much larger consequences.

For me the larger issue was not that this was happening, for it has been happening for quite a while, but why was I drawn to it? It attracted and repulsed me at the same time. I felt enraged and vindicated. I took it personally. Not a helpful strategy for me.

The answer to the above question lies in the last few weeks when I realized that I was hitting on another wound of mine. The wound is my fear of incompetency and how I link it to my worth. In other words, if I feel incompetent I feel unworthy. And as I started to observe my feelings of incompetency all around me, I realized that I had a strong feeling that I was not worthy. I was not enough.

My coach had told me, as I was discovering this for myself, that we have two reactions to wounds that have not healed. We either confirm them or compensate for them. In other words, we sit with our wound and stew in it, as if to say "Here I go again, I'm incompetent. I can't do this. I'm a loser. I knew this would happen! I'll never get it together." Or, to compensate and avoid that dialogue, we go nuts doing things that make us feel better. Then we say, "I'm doing this, this, and this. I am in control. No one could call me incompetent! And, if they did, I'd show them all the stuff I did!"

I tend to compensate. I do, and do, and do some more in the face of that wound. And so, here I am, observing my "doing". As my body's way of protecting me from my ego, I developed a nasty cold and was bed ridden. Perfect for the person who is resisting doing. I've watched myself wanting to do and then deciding not to do. It was difficult, but I lived through it. Then I started to actually enjoy not doing for a while.

Currently, I'm in the tricky area of "not doing", but really doing. This is when I start to read all the online articles about this election and the economic crisis. I am looking at the competence of others and how it relates to me. It is my sneaky egoic way of seeing if I am competent. Who do I trust to run the country? Who is competent to do that? How do I decide that?

This process of observing my wound in action, taking steps to choose differently, and ultimately healing at least part of my wound is also a way for me to find my own truth. It is not based on anyone else's truth. It is not measured by anyone else's scale of what is right or wrong, good or bad. It is about accepting all of me. Accepting what I know and don't know, when I'm right and when I'm wrong. Being at peace with my imperfections. Being whole.

So, here's an experiment, if you are up for it: Think of how you compensate for parts of yourself that you feel not so good about. Then think of how you confirm those parts that you consider less than stellar. What are you saying to yourself? How do you act? How do you feel? (Are you having trouble coming up with parts you are not fond of? Think of someone who drives you crazy. What qualities do they have? Write them down and then make a list of times when you have had the same qualities. Is it getting clearer?)

Now, be kind with yourself and just become aware of these parts in your day-to-day lives. Can you consider other ways of looking at these parts? Can you consider other ways of acting even when you feel the discomfort with having these parts you do not like?

Make a comment and let me know what happens.