Taking Care..

I became uncomfortably confronted a few months back with the realization that I was not taking very good care of myself. I was taking care of my children, and occasionally, my husband, but did little for myself. My story now is pretty different. I pay attention to what I eat, my exercise, sleep etc. Then the subject came up again and I saw the gap between the story I thought I had and the story that I was really telling myself.

I think this is fairly typical for women, in general, and mothers, in particular. We faithfully take care of everyone else , but cheat ourselves over and over. So, it was not surprising that I fell into old habits and stories. The story of not taking care for me goes something like this: "I don't need to meditate right now, I'll have that cup of tea and then right onto the computer to check email and then I'll stretch out." Then 2 hours goes by. "Well, the kids need a snack, so I'll do that, and then I'll take a quick shower and have a snack bar, then I'll take a brisk walk for exercise." Then another 2-3 hours goes by. "Well, I need to check my email again. I'll just walk to the bus stop- that will be my exercise. Hmm...haven't eaten much today. I'll take another snack for the walk." And the day continues. Exercise is not really happening, meditation is not happening, eating is barely happening. What is happening?

The story in my head that supported my self-care was slowly chipped away by my rational mind- my ego. My ego wants me to keep running, doing, and achieving. It tells me that my worth is wrapped up in my doings. It tells me that if I'm not "producing", then I don't have a lot to offer. Stop me if this sounds familiar.

Today, I took a nap. It felt good and after stray thoughts of guilt that I was able to drop, I realized that the nap was a sign that I need to slow down again. Slow down to go inward and connect with my true Self. The Self who knows that I don't have to prove my worth. I am worthy by being in this world. The Self who knows that action taken from a place of lack or feeling not enough, is not an action that serves anyone, least of all, me. I am only to act from a place of love, peace, abundance. And to come from that place, I need to take care of myself. Take care physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, personally.

So, I'm slowing down. And posting a blog. OK, now I'm slowing down. But, don't take my word for it that this is important. Try it yourself and let me know what happens. Taking care could take many forms. Taking your time in the shower, sitting down to eat and really enjoying your food, getting a hair cut or pedicure, taking a walk in the woods, meditating, listening to some calming music, saying "No" to more activities. See what comes to mind that would help you feel taken care of.

After you give this a try for an hour, day, week, post a comment. Perhaps you'll inspire someone to change their story.

Feeding Each Other

When I was in my early twenties, I worked with refugees in Texas. Most came from Ethiopia and so I learn a bit about their rich culture. One custom is for people to share a common plate of food and to feed each other. I think it most likely that women feed men, but I experienced both.

There is also an old story about heaven and hell that I was reminded of recently in Kate Nowak's Prosperity Experiment . In each place there is a glorious banquet of food and each person has a spoon with a very long handle. In hell, each person is trying to feed him/herself and it is impossible because the neck of the utensil is too long. They are suffering because they are starving while longing for the food that is so close to them. In heaven, however, each person is fed to their satisfaction. They are enjoying the banquet. That is because they are using their spoons to feed each other.

Both custom and parable serve as a reminder to us. That to have a rich and abundant life, we must give and receive. To feed and be fed. I would argue that when you are giving from your heart, you are always receiving. When you are truly open to receive, you are giving so much to the giver. There is a cycle of giving and receiving to allow the abundance to flow.

The mistake that I have made so many times in my life, and am remembering to more and more to change, is that giving from any other place than my heart not only hurts myself, but does the receiver the least good as well. And when I am not allowing myself to receive fully, the result is equally as ineffective.

So many times I have dismissed or deflected compliments, talked over thank yous, made self-deprecating jokes about talents or gifts observed by others. I have done things for free- not because I wanted to in my heart, but because I thought what I offered had no value or out of guilt or obligation. I was pushing away the spoon that was there to feed me. I was rejecting the food that was necessary for me to have the energy and desire to feed others.

I did this out of a belief that I was not good enough for such treatment and if I took the goodies, I would be found out or seen as arrogant. I was erring on the side of caution, I rationalized. As a result, I not only confirmed my belief that I have little to offer the world, but I made others feel uncomfortable around me. It doesn't feel good when your gift is not accepted. To the world I was sending messages. One message was that I felt uncomfortable with the gift, so stop giving it to me. The other message was that I don't need this.

Now, there is another side to this. It was the side that craved the gifts as signs of worth. If they did not come, it was like a thorn in my side. Did people not like what I offered? Did they not like me? I became attached to the praise, the offers, the money and so on. Either way, it was not from my heart, it was from a wound. What a bind!!

Then one day, I decided to do something different. I decided to make note of when I wanted to dismiss a gift and instead, accept it with my heart. It took courage. I felt like I was risking something. I also decided to give only when it felt good to do so. And then I decided that if I felt grateful for something- a product, service, a friendship- I was going to thank the giver. I wrote letters, emails, called folks. The response was overwhelming.

Most people are not thanked for doing their job. I sincerely lavished them with well-deserved praise. It felt so good. I felt filled up. I started to use my spoon to feed my hungry neighbors and others naturally picked their spoons up to do the same.

The banquet is delicious! I think I'm write a letter to the caterer...

It All Comes Down to the Chocolate

My kingdom for some cacao nibs! I had been searching through my local healthfood store and grocery for cacao nibs- a healthy form of chocolate that is super high in magnesium and low in caffeine. Yes, like in Woody Allen's Sleeper, junk food is actually healthy. At least in cacao nib form. I was coming up with nothing and put the desire aside for more "important" ones...

Then I got a series of emails about a the latest, greatest technology for Law of Attraction (LOA) addicts. That is, those of us who desire to manifest more consciously, so that we attract what we want, not what we do not want in our lives. I was at first skeptical, then wowed by the simple yet powerful way a guy made videos you watch online about what you want in your life. They are called "Mindmovies". I think this is going to be the biggest thing since "The Secret". They give you 6 premade videos and then you can send away for a kit to make your own. Pretty cool! I was ready to order when....

This voice in my head began. It was a familiar voice saying "Do you really need this to attract what you want in your life?" "You've read all the books, listened to all the CDs...how is this going to help you...really?" I could rationalize that this was the one to put me over the top, the detail I was missing, you know the rest. But, something was stopping me. It wasn't money. It wasn't doubt in the product- I'm sure it is everything they say. It was that I knew that I have a tendency to believe that I don't have the answers inside. That I need to listen to someone else to get the answers. In the past, if I had a dilemma, I would survey my friends for answers. I would call them one by one and tell them the dilemma over and over and then see what came up. It was like I had 20 magic 8 balls with 20 different answers. Then I'd pick the one I liked best. I've stopped this practice. I've come pretty far...but that kit to make a movie looked good. Maybe this was the tool that would help LOA work for me, the way I wanted.

The voice was strong enough (or I was listening enough this time) to recognize that I could not get sucked into that belief again. The belief that I needed to look outside myself for answers. I took a couple of breaths and then asked myself what would happen if I passed this one out. Nothing terrible. I could always decide to buy the kit later (even if it was half off only for now). I was doing fine without it. I was keeping my thoughts on the positive side, I was in the flow most of the time, I was attracting small but significant stuff to me daily- if I noticed it. I took my finger off the paypal button and relaxed..

Of course I got about 6 follow-up emails encouraging me to not pass on this special offer. By that time I had made the decision and was not wavering. It felt good. Then this morning I got another email from the same company with a video about nutrition and health. I watched it primarily to pass it on to friends in that biz. In the middle of the video I saw a bag of, you guessed it, cacao nibs flash by! It caught my eye and the next thing I know I'm at their website ordering a bag. Yippee! I found cacao nibs!

So, what does this all mean? My simplest answer for myself is this: Sometimes when you decide to believe something new, you get what you've been looking for from the beginning. I know it sounds ridiculous to conclude that perhaps what I was really looking for was cacao nibs. But, look at the conclusion. Perhaps all those emails came to me to force me to face (allow me to choose to face) my "addiction to the outside" and choose something different. When I did choose something different, the road opened up. The road to new possibilities for myself and within myself. And yes, the road to chocolate that is healthy. It all comes down to the chocolate.

Are We Always in Denial?

I recently read "Money, and the Law of Attraction" by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  It discusses the obvious money and Law of Attraction, but one of the big messages of the book is to look for what you want.  When I read that passage "always look for what you want", I thought that it seemed to be saying "Be in denial of reality".  My ego often plays with me while I'm reading something that might help me let go of the egoic mind...

I then realized that we are always in denial of reality in some way.  We are either looking for what we want OR we are looking for what we don't want.  For the vast majority, the later is more common than the former.  For instance, if I want more money in my life, I could look for ways that money in abundant in my life, or ways that it is scarce.  I could feel great about receiving money or getting something for free or getting more than I expected and focus on that OR I could completely dismiss it.  Then focus on how I should have received more money, that the free item was cheap anyway, and that getting more was fluke.  

What is reality anyway?  We think we have an objective hold on reality, but it is , after all, how we perceive it.  Reality, like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder.   It is based in our beliefs, our chronic thoughts and feelings.  Our programming determines what we perceive and what we perceive is our reality.  Knowing those rules of the game,  I could hold all perceptions as suspect.  All truths as nothing more than repeated thoughts.  All realities as nonsense.  

That's all well and good, but I want even more. I want to focus on the "good" and the "fun"and the "play".  It's much more appealing to me than the horrid slog ahead.  So, if I have to  be in denial, make it one that I can enjoy.  

First Day of School!! First Day of School...

In one of the first scenes of Finding Nemo,  little Nemo swims around his father Marlin announcing the first day of school.  Marlin, an extremely cautious and protective father, is not thrilled to let his remaining child (the rest, along with his wife, were killed by a barracuda in the first scene) be separated from him and face the perils of school life.  Well, I felt a little like Marlin today. 

My daughter was super excited to start 1st grade and I was excited for her.  Then as I thought about my baby going on a bus by herself and arriving to her school amongst a mob of children trying to find her way to a classroom, I started to get a little nervous.  Then I realized that she'd be gone from 8:30 until 3:30 all week.  I'm used to her being around-even if I'm shooing her away so I can get some work done.  I felt sad.  I was able to stay "up" while she was with me, but watching her sit on the bus was like watching Nemo venture off the the dreaded "drop-off".  

In this moment of feeling sad and a little nervous I came up with an epiphany.  As much as I crave time alone and sometimes feel as if I'm juggling children and my work and myself in a day, I really love being with my kids.  This was an important discovery for me since there were times when I needed to be separate so much that I wondered if I did not love being with them.   And then the guilt would emerge- my ego playing with this little tidbit of information. How could I not love being them?  I'm a mother- that is a requirement, right?  What kind of mother would I be if I did not love being them?  You get the picture.  

I was voicing all this to my mentor who is always helpful during these times.  He pointed out that when I feel the "shoulds" of being with my kids- I should love being with them, I should spend more time with them, I shouldn't ask them to do something else when I'm working because that is not being a good mother etc-then I will never get it right.  It will never be enough and I'll always be resentful.  But, the discovery that I am sad to see my daughter out of the house for 7 hours a day and that I'm going to miss her is real.  That I do love to be with my kids is about what I want and how I feel, not about "shoulds" or societal beliefs.  It is from my heart.  

In other words, I want to listen and respect it.  It is true to me.  The other stuff, the "shoulds", are not helpful and will lead to a life that will never feel whole.  

I picked up my daughter this afternoon and we walked home together.  It was good to see her and she was excited about her first day.  I wanted to be with her.  It felt really good.  In my view, I was mothering in the best way I can.