Who's Responsible Here?

As mothers we are programmed to be responsible. We have children. We have a household. Many times we have work "outside the home"- a business, job, career. We have our extended families. Community work. The list could go on and on. And even with all that, we often take on more, just because perhaps we still have a minute or two on the schedule.

Mothers are not alone in their responsibilities, but there seems to be a different "flavor" to mother's responsibilities. It is the flavor that if anyone of them is not going exactly the way it "should", that we are somehow not good mothers. And what a set-up that is!

I had two different conversations this week about this exact topic and I feel that I received a great deal of illumination about how we, as mothers, can view all that we take on. If you can just consider looking at your life through this different lens, if may give you great relief. And the "lens" is this: You are not responsible for anyone's life experience but your own. You have children, but you are not responsible for how they feel. You are there to be their guide. Your guidance is in helping them understand their own "guidance system"- their feelings. And one of the biggest ways of guiding them is to pay attention to your own feelings.

I have been know to fix things and people. I can act as a "fixer". Not only is this an impossible task, but it really doesn't help in the long term. It gives me some temporary relief, but then there is always the new thing to fix. It is draining and not serving me. The fixing is the need to be responsible for someone else life. The need to feel needed and get validation for that.

Let's clarify: I think that if your toddler is about to run into traffic that you should get her out asap. This is not a excuse for negligence or abuse. But, it is the idea that you can't have control, nor should you have control, over another. It is the idea that life unfolds and you focus on how you are feeling about that unfolding. You can assist your children with dealing with life by asking them questions about their feelings "How did that feel when you said that?" "What feelings came over you before when you are shouting?" Help them connect with their own inner guidance and wisdom. When they ask for help, help them. But, fixing stuff just sends the message that they should ignore their guidance. That it means little to them. Feeling responsible for how they feel and how they are doing only takes power away from their ability to tease that out for themselves.

You don't have to be the "fixer". How does that feel to you? Is it a relief or does it feel threatening? Does it lift the burden or chip away at your identity? Knowing that you don't have to fix things can create more options for you to experience life. There is a freedom to knowing that you just need to observe the unfolding and act from a place of love instead of control and fear. But don't take my word for it. Give it a try.

This week start observing ways in which you try to control what is going on in your life and the lives of others. Do you feel responsible for the results? Do you feel unsatisfied with how things are unfolding? Is there a resistance to what is going on or are you allowing the unfolding? Do you feel that you could handle it if things go in unexpected ways? Could you consider that you are not responsible for everything everyone else is feeling?

Good luck and let us know what happens!

I am a Human Being, not a Human Doing...

Most of us are great "doers".  We work hard, do errands, run around with our kids, and then often sit down and think "what should I do now?"  The "doing" mentality is part and parcel of our society.  "Just do it", "What do you do?", and "I'm doing great!" are common questions and phrases in our lives.  We are programmed to think that by doing, we are earning our keep, keeping up with the Jones, and retaining our worth.

What happened to "being"?  We are here to be, not to do.  I know that may sound strange or counterintuitive, or dangerous, but it is true.  At least to me it is.  If I get caught up in the doing of life and then attach a meaning to it, I get in a heap of trouble.  I can do myself right into a hole.  And then, I go back to the basics.  I just "be" more.  I experience life around me.  I slow down a little.  I perhaps meditate, connect with my inner being.  

Of course, in the beginning, there is some resistance.  There are stories that we tell ourselves about the need to do.  "This must be done!" "I don't have time to sit, I have to get this list of stuff done today!" You know the rest.  But, with time, the non-doing gets a little easier and feels a little more comfortable.  And before you know it, you realize that you are not doing life, you are life.  And that's all you need...really.

But, don't take my word for it.  Try it out.  Take a little time to just be.  Resist the temptation to push away the being for the doing.  Even if it is just for a few moments.  Observe the sounds and smells around you.  Observe your thoughts and feelings.  And let us know what happened when you just are.

Our World of Wounds

I've been compulsively scanning the internet about our most recent economic mess. I've been receiving political emails highlighting the conspiracies and lies from one party and the other. Accusations flying about. Personal insults. Sorta like high school gossip, but with much larger consequences.

For me the larger issue was not that this was happening, for it has been happening for quite a while, but why was I drawn to it? It attracted and repulsed me at the same time. I felt enraged and vindicated. I took it personally. Not a helpful strategy for me.

The answer to the above question lies in the last few weeks when I realized that I was hitting on another wound of mine. The wound is my fear of incompetency and how I link it to my worth. In other words, if I feel incompetent I feel unworthy. And as I started to observe my feelings of incompetency all around me, I realized that I had a strong feeling that I was not worthy. I was not enough.

My coach had told me, as I was discovering this for myself, that we have two reactions to wounds that have not healed. We either confirm them or compensate for them. In other words, we sit with our wound and stew in it, as if to say "Here I go again, I'm incompetent. I can't do this. I'm a loser. I knew this would happen! I'll never get it together." Or, to compensate and avoid that dialogue, we go nuts doing things that make us feel better. Then we say, "I'm doing this, this, and this. I am in control. No one could call me incompetent! And, if they did, I'd show them all the stuff I did!"

I tend to compensate. I do, and do, and do some more in the face of that wound. And so, here I am, observing my "doing". As my body's way of protecting me from my ego, I developed a nasty cold and was bed ridden. Perfect for the person who is resisting doing. I've watched myself wanting to do and then deciding not to do. It was difficult, but I lived through it. Then I started to actually enjoy not doing for a while.

Currently, I'm in the tricky area of "not doing", but really doing. This is when I start to read all the online articles about this election and the economic crisis. I am looking at the competence of others and how it relates to me. It is my sneaky egoic way of seeing if I am competent. Who do I trust to run the country? Who is competent to do that? How do I decide that?

This process of observing my wound in action, taking steps to choose differently, and ultimately healing at least part of my wound is also a way for me to find my own truth. It is not based on anyone else's truth. It is not measured by anyone else's scale of what is right or wrong, good or bad. It is about accepting all of me. Accepting what I know and don't know, when I'm right and when I'm wrong. Being at peace with my imperfections. Being whole.

So, here's an experiment, if you are up for it: Think of how you compensate for parts of yourself that you feel not so good about. Then think of how you confirm those parts that you consider less than stellar. What are you saying to yourself? How do you act? How do you feel? (Are you having trouble coming up with parts you are not fond of? Think of someone who drives you crazy. What qualities do they have? Write them down and then make a list of times when you have had the same qualities. Is it getting clearer?)

Now, be kind with yourself and just become aware of these parts in your day-to-day lives. Can you consider other ways of looking at these parts? Can you consider other ways of acting even when you feel the discomfort with having these parts you do not like?

Make a comment and let me know what happens.