Ah! The Ego...

I was confronted with the realization that I have been allowing my ego to run amuck and really enjoying it in that "misery loves company" sort of way. I mean, what is the fun of complaining if there is nothing to complain about, right?  

This started just around the time that I announced that I was to give a workshop.  Not coincidentally, the topic was about finding your extraordinary life through being in the Now-aka not being in egoic thought.  And so the craziness ensued!  

I will not indulge my ego once again by going into the gory details, but I wanted to illustrate the pattern it took, just incase it may come up again (what are the chances of that, right?).  First, there was the event itself.  I went into it with some ego already- will I fit in? Will this be the place for me? What will it be like?  Anxiety, questions of comparison-good/bad, better/worse, isolation, fear.   Then, everything was interpreted with that energy.  The people were nice, but different.  The speakers were...OK, not great.  I already know what they are talking about and they are missing some key pieces here.  

In other words, instead of going to the event and having a helpful energy and observing  and being aware without judging, I assumed, judged, compared, criticized etc.  I felt strangely uncomfortable and yet superior at the same time.  A little smug.

So, instead of leaving the event and being OK with the difference and choosing that perhaps, this is not the place for me, I decided to return.  I was going to give them one more chance!! I'm so generous!!!  

I returned with my kids- they had free crafts- this is hard to turn down.  Of course, the speaker was sub-par and I had the same feeling- I don't belong with more drama of why this was so!!  Then a big question mark-WHY do I not feel comfortable and in sink with these people?  

After several days of pondering  that one and writing a treatise of my drama to my mentor (he was very helpful in that he didn't get into my drama with me...), I was reading Tolle's Stillness Speaks.  It said that if you are wondering, why is this happening to me?, you are not accepting the situation.  You are in ego and resisting what is.  Then,  it hit me.  I've been on an ego trip for the past week and not even knowing it!!!

I think I just needed to be a little more miserable before I decided to come back to myself.  This is a practice, a life-long practice.  I had told myself that I experienced it and so I'm done and now, I can teach it.  It is a little different for me.  I experienced it, then I forgot, and I come back to experience it, and I teach it to remind myself that I can always come back home and experience it whenever I like.  The teaching is to help others, but it is equally important "to keep me honest", so to speak.  To remind myself of who I really am.  And when I remember who I am, everything else fades away except the extraordinary life situation that I have and the extraordinary Life that I am.  

Raising Children as a Spiritual Practice

The subtitle here is: How my ego gets in the way of flossing my child's teeth

Eckhart Tolle talks about how raising children can be a whole spiritual practice in itself.  I don't think he means that everything is cuddly and sweet and peaceful all the time.  Certainly, that is part of the equation. What he is referring to is how children are great at triggering the part of the ego called the "pain body"- that dark part of each of us which results from unresolved negative energy.  When we identify with it and let it take over, it is a separate entity that is part of the ego.   It is not the children's fault, they are just in the dynamic with us. If we can become aware of it and watch it and not identify with it, it will dissolve over time. With practice  we do not become engaged with it at all and our peace and love shine through.  Sounds nice, right?

I noticed that when I am pre-menstrual, I am more likely to identify with my pain-body. It is no surprise, and Tolle also talks about becoming  aware of the pain-body during this time. It is another opportunity that also can  be a whole spiritual practice onto itself.  I was blessed, as all mothers are, to have the double opportunity to practice in that I'm raising kids while PMSing. So, here I am in and out of awareness that my pain-body is present, and I'm trying to floss my middle child's teeth.  She's not keen on the flossing and so the games begin.  If I looked at the video of the event, I, and certainly my mommie friends,  would be amused, horrified, and saddened by what they saw.  

My daughter, bless her, is very strong willed and doesn't easily give in.  I felt that I couldn't give in either and we were in a stalemate.  I first talked sweetly to her, negotiated, explained, negotiated more, gave scenarios of painful dental appts, put sanctions in place, summarized the deal over and over.  Then I threatened with physical restraints- basically holding her down to floss.  

OK I know what you are thinking...actually I am assuming I know, which can really feed the ego, so I will stop doing that.  It's none of my business anyway.

Finally, my husband got home and saved my butt.  He offered to floss her teeth.  She refused.  The problem was that the floss had mint flavor which she reported as burning her.  My pain-body just didn't care (that's the pain-body for you!).  He talked with her gently for a moment and it gave me a moment to snap out of my righteous, need for control, and wound of disrespect for a second to look for a hidden stash of unflavored floss.  I found some plain kiddie flossers and immediately she was interested in them.  The flossing was finished in 20  seconds.

The rest of the night I felt ashamed of myself (more ego) and then sat in a tub of hot aromatic water, breathed, quieted down and forgave myself for my behavior.  Certainly it was not the worst of my non-peaceful, ego driven, really-not-me parenting.  It was a reminder of how easily one can slip into the pain-body without notice and get stuck.  I couldn't even hear my husband's reasonable option of not flossing that night and buying some plain floss for the next day.  "It was too late..It was too far gone for that!" my ego  defended.  Wisely, he didn't get into with me. He just said "OK". Smart man.

Having Abundance in my Life

I love the feeling of abundance!  So, why don't I chose to feel abundant all the time?  I get into fear mode- there is not enough, I am not enough, I need to have more, I am afraid to ask for more, I can't give or spend more....I was in this way of thinking most recently and I would assume that you would understand that, despite its familiarity,  it pretty much stinks! However, it taught me a lot about myself.  I realized, with a little guidance, that it comes from feelings of unworthiness.  Feelings of not being enough just the way I am.  Feelings that everything needs to be perfect or else why bother.  

Without this stinky feeling inside, I would have never discovered or would have dismissed these deeper beliefs.  This time I was ready to look at them.  So, how to "get rid" of these stinky feelings, you ask?  I decided to just be aware of them as they appear- they were everywhere. Talk about abundance!!! "I can't buy that now...", " I keep spending but am not making", "There's not enough time in the day to get all this done..", "I need to do  more here...", "I didn't get it all done", "Who is going to want to do this?", "What if no one comes to this event?", "I not going to ask for what I really want, because he is not going to give it to me.."  and on and on.

As I become aware of them, and thus being the awareness of the thoughts and feelings, I  realize I'm not those beliefs.  I am becoming more separate from identifying with thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. (Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now")  A mentor of mine suggested that I ask myself a question when I start getting into a mindset where I feel like I need to fill others needs and neglect my own (when the kids start asking for things from me all at the same time).  The question is "What do I need right now?"  The idea is to stop the cycle of feelings and thoughts of unworthiness and lack and treat myself as if I am very worthy- as worthy as my children or my husband or anyone else.  If I treat myself this way, I will have more to give in the long run, thus feeling abundant- interesting how that works...  

Another suggestion, which I heard last night from Eckhart Tolle ("A New Earth..."), was to  become aware of all the abundance around you.  You can do this just by looking around you, out the window- seeing the abundance of nature, or even walking down the street and seeing the abundance of fruit in a store.  Being still also allows me to feel the abundance of aliveness in my hands, my feet, legs, head, etc.  

The only thing that is stopping me is my attachment to feeling unworthy and in lack.  After all, this belief has been in my life for a very long time.  I do have confidence that with time, this belief will not just feel stinky, but doesn't hold up to the evidence of my life. I will discover that it just doesn't serve me and it will slowly dissipate.  If I fight against it, I'm perpetuating it, fueling the fire. (Check out Ray Dodd's "Power of Belief")

I had an inspiration this morning that was fueled by my increasing feelings of abundance.  I got an email from Heifer International, one of my favorite organizations.  It declared April as "Pass On the Gift" month.  At some point in time, families who have received an animal, insect, or crop to cultivate or raise pass on their offspring to another family.  They were encouraging donors to host "Pass On the Gift" dinner parties to raise  awareness and perhaps funds for Heifer International.  As soon as I read it I thought it to be inline with my abundance project for myself.  

In giving of myself and encouraging others to find the abundance in their lives and to also give in anyway they were able, would I not be creating another avenue of being conscious of the incredible abundance in my life?  Besides, I love a good party.  

As I started to think about the party and how it would look, I had an incredible feeling of abundance in just what I had already.  The abundance of sunshine, the abundance of water in my shower, the abundance of food for breakfast, the abundance of laughter coming from my children which started a whole string of abundances just thinking of them.  Just the idea of the party opened up the depths of abundance within me.  I think it is Neale Donald Walsch ("Conversations with God") who called this "Being the Source".  Being the source of what you want for someone else is a great way of becoming aware that you already possess it.  After all, if you need to possess it before you can give it away, right?

Now, it doesn't  really matter what happens with this party or even if I have one.  It is the knowing that I already have this abundance and worthiness inside me that is there whenever I need it.  It is that feeling of peace and wholeness.  Tolle defines "wholeness" as having peace with his imperfections.  I loved that. I don't have to be perfect to be worthy or deserving of abundance.  Perfection is not the goal- it is impossible after all.  It is the knowing that I am OK right now.  I am abundance. I am whole.

With gratitude always for this moment.

Awakenings

Welcome to Becoming Awake!!! I started this blog as a way to share my experiences of the process of becoming awake more and more each moment.  My intent is to illustrate what becoming more conscious looks like from my perspective.  The perspective of a 41 year old mother of three young children living in a suburb.  Now, I know this is not who I really am, in that, I am an eternal formless Being connected to Source.  And so are you.

Perhaps you will join me in this not always smooth road of spiritual evolution, or not, as you wish.  As inspirations appear, I'll be writing about them here.