Daring to Be Happy

I got a recommendation from a good friend to see a movie called Happy Go Lucky. It's an interesting film about a British primary school teacher who is almost always happy. The beginning credits show her riding her bike through the streets of London, enjoying the ride, relaxed and...happy.

For me, the most striking aspect of the film was how people reacted to this young kind woman. Some of the characters were is various states of pain and sadness and either ignored her, berated her, or blamed her for their misery.

It stayed with me because this was my excuse for not being happy. It was my fear. I might offend someone. I might threaten someone. I might remind someone that they don't feel good and they'd take it out on me. I might be betraying some unspoken agreement for both of us to stay unhappy and unfulfilled.

It was not until I was really sick of being unhappy that I was willing to risk the consequences of being happy. I was willing to let go of the fear of change and experiment with being happy. I was willing to let go of relationships that could not survive the change. I was daring to be happy.

That's what happens with this woman in the film. You never see her blame the other person. She has empathy and compassion for the pain of the other person, but she does not allow it to deter her from her own happiness. In some cases, she has to let go of relationships.

What's stopping you from being happy (or passionate or abundant or loving)? What are you afraid will happen? Who might be affected by this change? Will you be breaking an agreement with someone?

Now that you have those answers, are you ready to let go and see what happens if you allow yourself to be happy? Can you let go of caring about what others think about you and dare to be happy?

Do this experiment for a week and let me know what happens!

Is Your Egg Cracking?

The other day my 6 year old daughter proposed playing a powerful game with me. She said that she wanted me to pretend to be the "mommie spider" and she was my spider egg. She sat, all curled up, on my lap. She said that I loved my egg so much. Then the egg starts to crack and I get scared that I'm losing it. Finally, I see that inside this egg is a baby spider. I am elated to see that I now I have something even better.

Now, the reason I thought this was a powerful game was because it felt like a metaphor for what so often happens in our lives. We have our "eggs" in life. We focus on them and nurture them and love them. We become very attached. Until one day, the eggs start to crack. We start to worry or even panic, because our eggs are breaking. Things are changing drastically and we don't know what will happen. Our lives are falling apart. But, the Universe knows something that we don't. There is a baby spider inside that egg. The egg needs to crack for the baby to come out and show itself.

So, when things start to fall apart or change or crack I'm not so afraid. Sometimes, when I'm feeling more connected, I even get excited. What will come of this cracking? What little baby spider will emerge from this breaking up? There's nothing to do, but watch, stay alert, and be open to what is.

Anything cracking or breaking apart in your life right now? Are you worried about the unknown future? You will be able to handle what ever happens. In fact, all you have to do is stay connected and stay alert. The rest will be shown to you. You might just be pleasantly surprised.

You Can Have Anything You Want!

Sometime ago, when I was in a half-asleep, half-awake state, I heard a voice say to me "You can have anything you want." Almost instantly, I became panicked and terrified. I started to breathe shallowly and it took me a bit to calm down and get oriented.

You would think that the prospect of having anything I wanted would be an exciting discovery- a glorious truth. It is true. I can have anything I want...and so can you. So, why the fear? After becoming still about it and going through my day I realized the dilemma I was facing that was causing such terror. I had been giving up what I wanted for the sake of others. I had been sacrificing my desires, denying myself, betraying myself because I held the belief that it was an either/or proposition. In other words, if I wanted something, say, a friendship, I needed to give something up, like my preferences or tastes, for that friendship to survive. Was this true? I mean, did I really need to do that to keep a friendship? I had certainly set it up that way. It seemed to work that way with no complaint from the other person. But, was it really true?

In my peaceful space, it was certainly not. I could have a thriving friendship and not deny who I was or what I wanted or what I thought. But, in that wounded, fearful belief, it was just not possible to maintain a friendship and not deny myself. After all, I had set it up that way and played it out over and over again.

I believe that many women often hold a version of this belief whether consciously or unconsciously. It can come up in your marriage, your relationship with your kids, your in-laws, even yourself. What have you been denying of yourself in order to keep up the front of perfection, happiness, or harmony? Does the prospect of having anything you want frighten you? If it does, it may be that you think you need to sacrifice your relationships to get what you really want. But, then again, if you can have anything you want, then you could have relationships and everything else, no?

If you are not sure what you believe about this, here's a little guide. Does asking for what you want make you a little anxious? Do you ever apologize to others for no reason? Are you hesitant to tell your loved ones what you really think? Do you ever put your needs after others? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may be holding the belief of "I can't have what I truly want and have close relationships-one or the other must go." Do some exploring within yourself. You may find what is holding you back..

Opening the Forgotten Door

When I have gone and continue to go through phases where I am discovering and looking at some of my wounded beliefs, I do not feel particularly great. The wound is like a child pounding on the door, trying to get in, trying to get my attention, and I have spent so much of my life not wanting to open the door that I have stopped hearing the pounding. Then when I am ready to address the neglected child, I feel awful in a dozen ways. I don't really want to open the door for fear of what is behind it. Then when I do open the door, I see myself in this little person who just wants to have my attention and love. I worry that perhaps I've waited too long to answer, or that the neglect has taken its toll and that the child is too much for me to handle, in that, the wounds are too deep.

But I have learned after going through this process over and over that although it feels yucky and like walking through mud, it not only gets easier and less muddy, it starts to feel better after a while. Then I come out of the process with a renewed sense of wellness and strength and peace. I realized that the process was worth it. I've also realized that if I am facing this wound, I can handle it. I am ready and able. If I don't feel that I am up to it, that's OK, too. There will be plenty of opportunities in this lifetime or the next to address it again.

Lastly, going through the process puts me in the the realm of warriors. If I can visualize myself as a warrior of sorts, that is, someone who is courageous and open enough to face the unknown and handle what comes, then I feel supported and safe enough to open that door and just observe what is there. I don't have to do anything, just look at it for what it is. A small scared child looking for its mother for comfort. And I know that I can do that.

So, if you've been putting off looking at some beliefs that are based on a wound ("I am not enough", "I don't deserve good things", "I am not lovable" are some examples), here are some questions to consider. What do you think is stopping you in just looking at these beliefs? Do you think you need to take action in some way once you discover them? What do you think would happen if you just opened the door and observed what was there? If you anticipate that you would need help and support, can you imagine what that would look like? (mentor, coach, therapist, good friend...) Let me know what comes up for you